Knotty Rhonda - year of the hammock.

I want to know, when do I get a fucking slice

2011-11-26T01:21:00.001-08:00

That's all I want to know. I want to know when I can, you know - go for a haircut, take an extra ten minutes in a fucking bath and not look so blotchy and identify my day by tantrums and the amount of milestones reached. I want to know when the time is that I can be free to come and go and have a goal in my life that is completely outside of my kids. When does my fucking lack of sleep ever get to matter or be important to someone. I want to know when I will feel like I have more than one person who may be related to me won't be an absolute flake and be quite possibly more inconvenient.

I want to know why someone who would knowingly marry you, have children but have no emotional attachment to them when they have their greatest physical need. Who doesn't stand in a room during a child's night terror and scream at the top of their lungs how it's fucking inconvenient of them to not be sleeping.

I want to know why it is so much to ask for a partner in life. I don't love my home. It's a fucking piece of shit mess that nobody in it cares about. There are no plans for a family fucking
Vacation but there sure are plans for everyone else to be entertained. I want to know when I will be able to have friends, not just the kind that feel sorry for me. The kind I can actually leave the house for more than an hour to see, the kind where our kids play and we hang out.

Right now I feel like there are two people who ever benefit from me even being alive. Seriously alive. Everyone else can wipe their own asses. I pour so much energy into sustaining my two little kids and barely enough to pour coffee down my throat. My fun time is the five minutes I get to have a smoke, the one bath a week I take without having to worry about everyone else's needs.

Yes I am resentful. I feel completely justified and drained. And if I
Complain about it I'm just a huge bitch who is probably depressed and psychotic and blah blah blah. Nobody else ever gets to be held truly accountable for hurting me and not ever being fully committed. Yet I throw myself behind a cause or something like sleeping with and feeding my own babies... And it's all fucking wrong. When and who holds women up when they are dealing with this? I don't want girlfriends and family anyway. All I have ever wanted was a husband and partner in life, a lovely family. And the foundation made was supposed to flow from there.

I just want to know when it will happen for me. When does the good feeling come in all of this. It sounds like a first world problem. "feeling good" sounds like an awful lot to ask for. I should be happy I have anything in life.

Some days I would rather have none of it, my kids, and just be free of it all. What is the point of conforming to some white-girl parade of kids house car career.... I can teach my kids how to navigate through the real shitty shit and survive it. I don't use my university education, but I sure do use my ability to talk to people and feel capable of love and support. I can give hugs and wipe tears.

I'm sick. Of being shit on by life.

Office Culture

2010-02-17T15:08:00.001-08:00

Well, two days into my new job, 48 hours later, and I'm confused.

I just came from a three hour inservice about respect. Just a few data points I'm noticing:

- the boomers feel threatened by some of us, or all of us, or by each other and apparently are down right rude
- the materials for teaching use our generation as examples/actors of disrespect in the work place
- stress in the work place is growing by the minute, the amount of actual "work" varies
- people sit, a lot, and get paid by HR to make things interesting. In actuality, they are even more tedious/boring and still don't capture the true essence
- there are real, true, live, horrific activities taking place in the workplace and little meetings here and slide shows there are not truly helping the problem!

Ach.

Just some observations. So far, my chair at my cubicle is ugly and purple, the OH and S person I talked to this morning looked a little stressed (which scares me, but I think they need a nurse there), and we get fed *a lot*.

After doing so many orientations recently, I have a pretty mixed feeling about going through more change.

Sigh.

But I do kinda enjoy being home in the evenings. Kind of. If I wasn't in pain it would be better.

A Fresh Start.

2010-01-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

I changed the background, and figured that it was time to announce that it's now 2010, and my year is about to make a drastic change...

From a clinical nurse, to a desk-sitting government employee. But it will free up more time to volunteer and do random stuffs.

Here are my highlights of working with donors:

1. Watching people have no clue where a temperature gauge goes.
2. When you ask people for their "full name and birth date" they say their home address.
3. The shades of the cheeks when you ask men: "Have you ever had sex with another man?"
4. When they say they really like our new uniforms.
5. Talking with Hutterites.
6. When donors tell us they get poked three to four times. We're only allowed to poke the two arms they get once.
7. When people ask for a registered nurse, and they get me... the only staff member working on phlebotomy training.
8. The happy fainting man.
9. I avoided getting puked on, so far.
10. Donors who *insist* they ate enough and drank enough.
11. A cold cloth apparently being the most important thing to bring someone back after a faint.
12. Nurses running each other down to start needles.
13. Unplugging the shakers before people are finished donating....will get you killed.
14. I will miss mobiles. I thought the actual work part sucked, but shopping, eating, chilling on the bus wasn't that bad.
15. Dr Hibert from the Simpsons in female form.
16. Principal Skinner's real life doppleganger. This man would say his NO answers louder each time with a monotone kinda ring.
17. The jokes... the double meaning of "poking people". Asking people if "it's okay that I poke you".
18. The SOP's, the BS, and the COPS.
19. I've never tried the peach/sprite donor cocktail, but I've gotten fizzies up the nose from it.
20. A thousand-ish donors showing up five minutes after the clinic is closed, half of them being new and the other half just assuming we never close (which, really, we shouldn't).

I bid adeiu to my job in three weeks or so. I will miss the clinical nature of my job, I will miss working with healthy (mostly) people. I will miss working with some extreme type-A nurses. I will miss the over nights, even though I never sleep and feel worn out for weeks after from two days of work.

But I am looking forward to a few things!

Is thinking about birth.

2009-12-03T18:57:00.000-08:00

In a different context. I don't want to give birth at the moment, but I really want to put it into perspective. Where do my allegiances lie (my utterly honest, brutal, but unbridled) and where does my actual reality live?

Gotta make a choice, one of these days, because I'm getting really, really frustrated with myself for not making a whole hearted effort to make a final decision.

It has to be made soon, more or less before I decide to just leave the whole mess behind and start afresh.

If you've known me for a while, you know that I have phases of interest that wax and wane. I find that the busier I am, the happier I am. So it was very, very difficult to go through a physical injury a few years back and then follow it closely with a high risk pregnancy. The two mixed and there I found myself in a pretty fucked up dark place.

But I think about my stress level of late and even though I'm happily busy, I'm heading back into that sucky-ass vortex of negativity. It's been hard to stay positive since about September of this year - maybe the changing seasons, or the usual refluxing of family issues are the cause. I feel like there's this giant monkey on my back to be a certain person in order to maintain face with my valued organizations I'm involved in.

How do I honestly feel about being a parent who smokes on occasion, drinks on even less occasions, and uses icky disposable diapers on occasion? Then belong to natural parenting groups. Then work as a nurse and feel obligated to be a strong promoter of health promotion. Then work in the field of primary prevention as a volunteer with the LSS? You know, I can't be perfect all of the time - nobody can be. I'll take it on the chin, I'm proud to be a loving parent of my two girls. I'm proud of my past indiscretions because I've learned from them and was able to get past it. I'm extremely proud to work as a healer with a wide range of experiences to draw from. My life has been pretty high and low at different points. I feel like I have a lot to offer the world by not limiting myself to the gamut of possibilities.

So in terms of birth - I feel equally as satisfied being around the c-section and the primal-screaming-bush birth. I feel like I would support a woman, no matter her choices, and inevitably be able to not pass judgment on anyone. Sometimes I have my hang ups about people, but push coming to shove there are VERY few people in this world who I would deny care. Even then, I don't think I would deny someone of life.

I've really got to make some headway into a decision about all of this. In the end, my big deal is providing women with care at no cost except for karma and good energy. I'd like to be able to step out of my yurt, welcome a young woman in, help her birth and be part of the community to support her and her children for many many years. I really do crave that communal setting, where money isn't an issue but neither is safety and security. Where women can equally share in survival and support and not have to leave their families to provide it. Somewhere that clocks really don't exist, or calendars. But I don't want it to be weird either.

That's a huge and tall order, but utopia for me is all of those things plus a nice warm beach. Maybe a few horses, and we're set. How can I do that though? What will my journey include? In a sense, I'm glad that I took nursing for this journey. I'll be able to have a perspective that may give me an edge or an in.

Anyway, that's what kind of birth I am thinking about. A birth to a new life would be great, but I need to make this current life work for me too. That dream could change at the snap of a finger too - maybe tomorrow I'll want to be surfing on the west coast with some wicked cool bro's and ho's.

Random Goodness

2009-11-28T19:05:00.000-08:00

The month of November is rapidly ending, and I have a few FAQ-U's to say to this month:

1. Changing child care providers, FAKING sucks.
2. Picking and choosing which bills are going to collection to pay off first, FECK that's horrible.
3. Contemplating canceling the holidays - meh. I've been wanting to do that for a while.
4. F__K I hate the weather changing and the dark days/nights.
5. Being married is hard work (glad I did it, and I'm not alone on these cold/dark nights).
6. Frig, my dog needs to get his nuts chopped off.
7. Fudge, I have the H1N1 bull shit that this month has been. I just wanna celebrate health and promote it, not have to make these heavy health choices.
8. F*c* the economy here, the gravy train is over and the potash riches (which never were) are rapidly leaving the education system. Sorry kids, no school for you!
9. Faq-u to looking for work.
10. FML.

Other than that, I think that a Rider win on Sunday could make my November FACKING awesome!

Along with the bad, should come some good I suppose:

- I got a job!
- Met a new friend this month.
- I celebrate each day that I don't think I'm pregnant :)
- I think that with the holidays coming... maybe there will be some fun family moments.
- Made some cookies this month, a few times!
- Football was good this month!
- I got an award from the Lieutenant Govenor

And...

- I tried banana ketchup this month.
- Got to go to Melville and do a clinic.
- Did phlebotomy with my winter coat on!
- Kissed Jeremy, like twice or something.

So, that is about it for this month. Hoping December is better!!

I'm not unhappy

2009-11-24T01:21:00.000-08:00

Just feeling the weight of the family right now. Like my parenting decisions (which according to most pediatricians, parenting experts, and a handful of others aren't horrible decisions), are impacting everyone else. My career decision, also wrong. Aye. I can't seem to strike a balance between me happy = my family happy. Will my family be happier if I find a job that hurts me physically but brings home enough money so that everyone can have what they want when they want? Should I get more smallish jobs which backfire and hit me with evil amounts of hours? What about working on some of the courses and certification things I've started, which involves lots of research, reading, making media like webpages/handouts/photos etc... but then that means that there is a fight over who gets the computer. Then I have to rid myself of the baby suckling at me in order to type with two hands.

Webs. Weaved.

I can't solve the problem at 4 AM... but I can't fall asleep either.

Feeling Lost

2009-11-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

This month seems to have flown by already. Not sure what I've gotten accomplished, just been keeping very busy with work and trying to keep a social life happening, keeping things interesting and light.

But have had some dark moments...maybe it's just the boredom, or the self-induced isolation.

Hoping for a pick-me-up soon.

The sounds of H1N1

2009-11-03T10:24:00.000-08:00

Blaaachhh

Huuaahhhh

Sniiighh

And repeat, several times daily.

I feel so ick, who knows what freakin virus this is, if it's a Norwalk-like, the H1N1, regular old influenza, the 9 month flu, whatever. I don't care what it is, but my stomach feels like it's slowly turning inside out. The nausea centre in my brain is having a whoop whoop. And it's perfectly timed with a water main break.

Shit.

Kayah's first words.

2009-10-28T20:47:00.000-07:00

Kayah is talking now.

Boobs = beesh
Please = peesh
cracker = cock! cock!
Puppy = puppy
grandma = baba
food = momomomom
Mommy = momommmy
bye = bye
diaper change = bum!
hand = han
toes = toesh
owie = owie
book = boo
pie = pie
bootsy = boosh
night night = nienie

I hate. The flu.

2009-10-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

Feeling yuck today. I was feeling kind of lack luster yesterday - just a little under the weather. Nothing to blow smoke at though, and I figured it was just because I got up two hours earlier than I had been all weekend.

So I'm thinking that today should probably be about turkey soup and fluids?

Kayah is sleeping in for me right now.

I gotta save my energy for Blue Man Group tomorrow!!! Hooray.

Rhonda weighs in on spanking

2009-10-07T17:36:00.000-07:00

With the illegalization of spanking of children, I think our society is taking a positive step in the right direction. I'm not talking about putting people in jail for smacking their child's hand out of the cookie jar, but people who are perpetually dealing with their own anger issues by forcibly being violent towards others.

Think about in these terms - your adult co-worker spills the staples from the staple box. Do they get spanked and told they are bad? Your wife forgets to do the laundry - does she get slapped across the face? Some guy at the bus stop pushes you - do you punch him in the ear?

Why is it acceptable to hit your children but not other adults?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDKWhDfgqls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egO-TCv6vwM&feature=related

I like Gordon Neufeld's approach very much - not only because of the use of attachment parenting as a basis for parenting, but for the reason that he examines why we've made the choice to use physical violence as an alternative for parenting. I think he agrees with consequence - by influencing children to make better choices so that they don't continue using negative behaviors.

Some simple examples - your child is being uncivilized at the table and throwing food onto the floor. It's acceptable to say no with a stern voice, but it would be more productive to explain to your child that the behavior is wasting food. Instead of getting angry at the behavior, why not remove the food from the table and model good behavior yourself?

There is the extreme though (which I see among my friends) to use an entirely overly gentle approach and padding the entire house, or to let the child continue to do self destructive behaviors over and over. That is not effective parenting either, as children need to know that what they are doing is wrong and that there is a consequence. It's not good to completely ignore the behavior either, but sometimes negative attention does the same as encouraging the behavior (as it's attention, which our kids clearly don't get when their parents are constantly ignoring them before hand).

The old ball n chain said that there should have been certain things discussed before having children - which I agree with, learning about each other is a vital part of marriage and there are certain questions that should be answered before children. But I beg to differ in that the conversations before about a parenting style of preference may or may not deal with things as they come. If one parent agrees on spanking and the other doesn't so they decide to not have children, that really doesn't deal with the issue at hand. People are going to have different parenting choices before children than they will once the kids come into play. You never know what kind of child you're going to have - whether it be a high-needs spirited little red head or a gentle angel blonde haired cutie pie. Every child is going to need discipline once in a while - kids are inherently curious and testing boundaries. I think parents just leave spanking as an easy alternative to parenting.

These are just my thoughts - I have used marshal punishment for both of my children and realize that it was my problem with anger and my own upbringing that brought that consequence on. I didn't know how to handle their behavior and let my frustration get the better with me. I will still parent with a stern voice when my child presents me with a problem, and I will still be frustrated and angry within the spectrum of emotions. Nobody is telling us to be flat in our emotions - just to chose the appropriate emotion for the action. If we all screamed FUCK as loud as we could when we stubbed our toe, not only would our swear jars be full but we'd all be foul-mouthed and violent people.

So that's my little weigh in about that... I honestly believe that if we're going to make changes in our society, we need to have consequences for our behaviors. But I also agree that mental health help needs to be more readily available for those who have anger problems. Anger management programs are only accessible to those who are criminals already or who are willing to pay for them. Why are we not teaching our kids in school how to effectively manage anger as adults?

Maybe this will be a positive step in that direction as well... until then, I'm not going to be spanking my kids left\ right and center to deal with my own lack of parenting.

the foreward

2009-10-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

No Mom Guilt Allowed

Ah. There she lays, in my bed, all curled up with tousled hair. The red-headed she-monster that is my baby. Love her to pieces – but at the same time she's this little prodigal chicken bone in my throat.

Don't get me wrong, I love both of my girls with every ounce of will and energy I have. Survival seems to suck every ounce of life out of me, and I think sometimes that robs from my ability to love and nurture my kids and myself. Then there is the husband, I mean “that guy” who sleeps in my bed and shares the couch with me the odd evening here and there. Sometimes we confess our love to each other, between squawking-raging toddler moments and the pre-teen angst that is our marriage. It's either professing love or arguing over money or who's had more me-time in a week.

My parenting journey hasn't been the easiest, so I sometimes can pin point the exact moments in my own upbringing that I learned my current behaviors. There was that one time I shared a father-daughter moment, the time when I was scared shitless of my mother, and the other time I actually wanted them both to die a firey death. Coincidentally, they all happened within the same five-day span (well, maybe at least). But in all honesty, I wouldn't consider them parenting experts or even model individuals at certain times. The basic message here is that we all have our moments to be ashamed of ourselves, but we seem to remember those over those beams of light when we really kicked some ass and shit our own rainbows over the world.

I don't mean that we should all shit rainbows out all of the time either. That would be a freaking disaster if it was the “me” show about all of us at the same time. I get the vibe that parents these days are having all of society's pressures shoved upon them every moment of the day – between internet, billboards, and our peer groups. Well, at least among MY peer mommy group – I can either feel like a goddess with wings like Always, or I can feel like the rusty gnome in the garden that the dogs piss on. It seems to go a little bit both ways... but lately I'm in the garden more than I'm floating in the pleasant world brought to us by Tampax.

My parenting “pearls”....

Maybe it was the survival-mode I went into being a single mom for several years. The oldest came to be somewhere between a new 19 year old relationship and the biggest emotional disaster of my entire life. I let go of my precious sexual control for a few months and out came this wretched vomit and a positive pregnancy test. That followed with three years of abuse, making up, more abuse, my parents divorcing, flunking out of university (times 2), and finally moving into a single-parent housing project.

I remember that apartment and all of the parenting joy I had there. I vividly recall bathing with my daughter in the mornings, cooking her an egg, and then watching cartoons on the CBC. Nothing better than not having to live with my dad and my brother...ahh, the wonders of having room to kick out on the couch. We enjoyed those days, as much as we could between pressing charges against the father and decorating the apartment with Christmas lights (you know you WANTED to do that sooo bad in high school!).

When I sat at breakfast with number two today, making her the same egg breakfast and watching the same cartoon, I thought about the worm hole back to that parenting universe. It seems like an entire personality or five or six ago that I was there in that zone. Is it possible to reinvent your parenting style over an eight year point spread? Or am I really the same parent I was back then.

To compare notes, it's not much different. My circle of friends is just as small, the pressure to parent a certain way with certain luxuries is just as huge. I bucked the trend then and I still am now by bed sharing and breastfeeding beyond the first six months. But then I also buck the trends within the trends as well, or perhaps I just fuck the trends for the sake of fucking them entirely. I don't feel as though I need to sell myself out as a person and buy into a whole entirely new personality just to impress the yuppy group, nor do I want to grow my children up in a Nestle factory. I also don't want to be the rebel who's always rebel yelling against rebels being rebels. That makes no sense at all, but the point is I am who I am and it seems as though that has isolated me into this little shitty corner of the world where other moms either run away or stick around until they smell my pits. Or whatevs.

So here are these two kids, who have both turned out to be relatively strange children in a pretty crazy ass world. I wouldn't think they are strange at all – but I'm sure others gawk in absolute horror when they see me wearing my baby and walking down the street with a smoke in between my fingers. I'm sure the old women and yuppies all roll over in their Red River when I drink and then breastfeed within the same 24 hour period. Of course people are going to think what they want, and I'm going to continue to stick up my virtual middle finger behind my back... then go and eat a box of Oreo's and wonder why the creator of this earth chose me to parent and chose them to judge.

My kids are great little monsters though. They are fiercely independent and would be able to figure things out if I was ever to fall unconscious down the stairs while carrying laundry baskets or something. I'm pretty sure the one year old could change her own diaper (the potty is probably an impossible feat, though). The nine year old can most definitely survive in a world that crumbled as long as there were smelly pencils and Miley Cyrus albums. Even the dogs in our house figure it out – they are pretty flexible with their choices for bathrooms. We seem to make it, day to day, without all turning on each other. Even though there are six of us living in this house who in any other circumstance might just dawn rocket launchers like Pitt and Jolie did in that hired-goon movie. I mean, our house pretty much looks like theirs did at the end. That's on a good day.

What has survival meant to me this time around? Well, mostly that I need to leave my mom guilt at the door pretty much all of the time. If I let it bother me, I usually turn into this neurotic chocolate-eating mess. We don't have chocolate in our cupboards at the moment, so you know that the mom guilt has gotten me a few times. There are those instances, though, when I've put my neck out to help a mom-friend learn to leave her own guilt alone and I find myself just absorbing her energy and getting whiney and bitchy. Ask my husband – between the hormones and being involved in several parenting-related forums I pretty much complain as much as I shit rainbows.

It does eat me, but it eats me in a different way. I make my choices to do certain things that aren't categorized as whatever, and my type-A mom friendz probably sit around and poke fun at me. But for the most part, I think I'm just the kind of parent that goes with the moment-to moment flow of things and doesn't take a dump on my own philosophies to impress the others around me. It doesn't mean I don't leech small concessions here and there – don't get me wrong... the kid-gadgets are pretty impressive these days! It's nice to see what creative minds think of when they are moms trying to make a bit of extra money on the side to stay home. My best finds are probably the baby carrying device of choice and the boob-shaped bottle for milk-transfer. I won't say bottle feeding, because this device was solely created in my world for transferring breastmilk from my breast and into the baby, without me actually being there. Let's face it though – the cow has GOT to leave the pasture once in a while. I'm not talking extreme amounts of time, but seriously the COW needs to find some diversity in her diet and exercise, otherwise she'll remain a cow.

Maybe what fits this one best is the adage – if momma ain't happy... but momma, in my case, once in a while needs to be a singleton and not this latched-to-children mom-ster. I was an individual before the children, and I'll continue to be one long after them. I'm sure that some day I'll be alone and regretting that time I took a dump by myself and then that other time I went to a wedding reception and smoked (gasp!) and had a stiff drink. To think that parents all over the world in all kinds of cultures might actually spend a few seconds in their own element at some time in the first twelve years of their children's lives... and in our culture we're either taking it too far one way or too far the other. I like this whole being-in-the-middle thing. Once in a while, I'll leave the brood and have a cold one and then I'll return and all is well again.

The hippy way.

2009-09-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

I'm going to take a little parenting-related shot here. Just me blowing off some steam.

Each generation has it's uber mom. It's that mom who has all of the latest outfits, the latest gadgets, and resources (somewhere) to pump into them. It's the mom who reads incessantly, researches their childs first day of preschool before conception. The type-A mom who has every moment planned out, and rarely allows for any change of course from that path. I suppose she might look different generation to generation, but the general mom-population either finds her to be awesome or annoying. In my case, it's a bit of both.

I really do admire the strength and fortitude that these mothers have to make it. It takes a lot of dedication, and those children benefit. The poor mommas fall to pieces and work themselves to the bone. Sometimes I feel like I've BTDT to uphold this whole attachment parenting style. But I also haven't lost myself in my child a year later.

We do what we can, when we can. We're still cloth diapering as much as possible without beating ourselves into the poorhouse or doing a thousand loads of laundry a week. We eat well, make organic choices where we can afford to. But we have our junk food moments, and I think we've had McDonalds once or twice in the past six months. We make it work for us without sacrificing our self worth.

Moderation is the key... and lowering the expectations on each other. My new mantra lately is to dispell the guilt from my life for the choices I've made. If I dwell on it, I start to feel like a bag of shit and nobody here benefits from that.

What bothers me, really bothers me, is this need to have it all as a parent and the expectation that what is dangerous for my child is okay for others. I can't in good conscience throw out all of my plastic items out of fear for BPA or turn around and give them to someone else. I see the trend amongst my crunchy crew to have safe toys and utensils, organic/fair trade items in every corner of the home. It's a great thing for the earth and good for the economy to purchase these things - that I don't argue with. But it's what happens to the items you're replacing. If I've already got a perfectly functioning item that is relatively safe and not going to cause instantaneous death, then I don't see a reason to give it away for the green option. I would rather buy the next item I need in the bucket as greenly as possible and just make do with what I have.

Does that sound thrifty or cheap? I'm just not into shock-parenting practices. I don't think that's bucking the trend to be emo or whatever, it's just conscious parenting. We don't create waste (other than diapers and plastic sippy cups that get left at the mall) and we're not stressing ourselves over every little piece of plastic toy or utensil that goes into Kayah's mouth. Yet at the same time we're giving her the best start we can with what we have and promoting a healthy relationship with our child.

My next adventure will be learning to discipline with love. Wish me luck! I am hoping not to be the militant spanker but I need some tools to deal with my spirited toddler.

Tis the season...

2009-09-07T18:17:00.000-07:00

To start thinking about Christmas, Christmas-related consumerism, and pondering ideas about same.

I think we're having a "useful" holiday. Which will mean using the same decorations we've always had, maybe doing some baking to share, and then celebrating the holidays with useful gifts that are given around the time they will be needed.

Last year I got the wonderful Ugg boots, which were fabulous! I haven't got boots for years. This year I'm wanting to knit up some warm items for everyone, when time permits (like on those super long two day mobiles?!). Maybe getting the girls much-needed warm items, saving up our change bucket again for charity, and doing useful stockings (like toothbrushes, toothpaste, socks, undies, etc etc.)

I hate having to think about it now... ugh. But it must be done! The real challenge will be storing items where the others won't see them!

I'm getting a MacBook!

2009-09-05T06:49:00.000-07:00

Well, we're ALL getting one, in this family computers are fairly universally accepted as public property. I mean, there have been certain moments (esp. when it was only one laptop in the house) where we could have held WrestleMania in the living room over who's turn it was to surf aimlessly.

My goals are to basically rid myself of this Dell before it burns my house down. This computer has taken me through the shit-storm and back to sanity again, several times. So I can attest that at least it's a reliable product. I rather like the screen brightness on this laptop, and it's fast enough for my needs usually. I am tired of re-loading the fucking OS and losing my data, but I guess it's my own fault for not backing things up onto the server!

I'm slightly excited, but in a cautious way. I have this sneaking suspicion that I'll wake up one morning and the other side of the bed will be cold because someone will have been up all night playing with Garage Band recording himself singing the same melody for EIGHTEEN HOURS. Because the pitch obviously gets better the longer you shout into the computer mic.

Yup - I am the wife of a dedicated, recording, headbanging, intense musician.

Don't get me wrong, I love the final product and I'm a huge giant fan of that, it's just the hours upon hours of slappy bass-only stuff and vocal practice that can drive a girl a little nuts.

You see? As he gets more famous he'll have no choice BUT to buy me technology so I'll stop nagging him about his tone and pitch, ha ha ha.

Anyway, I just thought I'd brag a little. I'm always going to be a PC kinda girl, I don't think I'll be converted as much as I'll just sway over to this side for a bit and see what happens. There's just something about being extremely angry at your computer and being able to play with lines of code to make it better!

tHE BLOG

2009-09-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

Seems to have died. I have plenty to say, I just have a nursing toddler and two jobs. Plus a messy house, a pre-teen princess, two dogs with bladder/bowel control, nicotine addiction, aversion to cleaning but a desire to clean, etc etc.

I like to lurk more than comment some days, which makes me one of those shady internet stalkers. The fact that someone had oatmeal for breakfast, scored extra high in MafiaWars, and posted pictures of their friend's weddings seems to draw me in for whatever reason. I guess I'm a fan of the everyday mundane activities.

My blogging direction took a bit of a bitchy undertone for a while too, which I attribute to pregnancy hormones, lack of sleep, and just being a giant-huge wench of a person when life hands me lemons. Currently learning to make lemonade by gritting my teeth and blowing my nose simultaneously, which can be difficult.

The only new and exciting thing driving my primal scream at the moment is really just this full-blown disgust with watching the "machine" consume consume consume all of the "green", natural, etc etc products.

I've also been engrossed in Ghost Hunters.

Totally, entirely, and completely engrossed in the paranormal.

To the point where I'm a little ultra-sensitive, but I've had two personal experiences in my life of paranormal experiences. The first was in my Warner Street house, where a woman in early 1900's period clothing came into my parents bedroom, walked around the bed, and then disappeared. Assuming I was partially awake at the time, perhaps I was dreaming while awake or something - but I'll NEVER forget the feeling of being paralyzed by this and wondering who this woman was. Just this year, I saw a picture of my great-grandmother on my father's side wearing similar outfit. Maybe? Just a bit of a coincidence, something I'll never forget.

The second experience has to do with dark shadows, same house, but in the basement. I used to try to run as fast as I could up and down the stairs to avoid the feeling of the shadow creeping up me, staring at me, or just in general making me paranoid. I still get the feeling in creepy basements, but now I've chalked it up to EMF, or high electromagnetic fields. Basements have lots of exposed wiring, sometimes not the newest or best.

Anyway, I'm always almost-peeing-pants scared but really intrigued by paranormal topics. I'm kinda intrigued about meeting up with a faerie type of spirit, or a friendly or even a residual haunting. Intelligent haunting - no thanks, and demons really freak the living fuck out of me.

So that's about all I've been up to, other than camping, working stupid hours, breastfeeding, and trying to have a life outside of children and internets.

What have you been up to?

Summer Round Up

2009-08-04T07:23:00.000-07:00

Well it's almost gone... or feels that way!

Here is the mid-summer entry.

CAMPING CAMPING CAMPING

We started out our summer camping at Echo Valley. Twas a rainy, shitty weekend for the outdoors, but all in all was a learning experience for us in packing shit up dry and then wet. The cardinal rule is to leave a few units of space when packing with the expectation that it will rain. Also to train the kids to keep themselves occupied while in the tents during fantastic lightning storms! The storm that second night was awesome, the rain/ticks were not.

Our next trip to Buffalo Pound was wunderbar in comparison. The weather was cool but comfortable and we managed to have a great time with our friends Ben and Carrie. We basically just ate and relaxed and enjoyed the heat on our way home. Packing was superb and we really didn't forget much! We made a bundle of wild flowers and vegetation and vowed to be able to identify a few more species.

NESS CREEK ROUND UP

What can I say... four days in the boreal forest amongst the jack pines with other hippies, incense, psychedelic meanderings, and relaxation. It was the most relaxed festival I've ever had! Nothing spectacular, just music and good vibes the whole time. I enjoyed not volunteering, at all, and just chilling with the family. Can't remark about the music, as we really didn't take much in at all.

We returned to the north this weekend with a trip to Candle Lake to crash a friend's family party. It was slightly uncomfortable, more because we didn't know anybody and had to share cooking space with 30 other people. But otherwise it was great!

Awful Links

2009-07-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

Awful Library books

What an exhausting day

2009-07-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

Just a bad day all around, started at like two in the morning when I couldn't sleep a freakin wink. Just had no inclination to close my eyes, felt wired from the holidays.

Holidays were great, my synopsis of Ness Creek is really rather different than most years. It was relaxing and fun, but not extreme on any end at all. I'd have to say "meh" was the best one word description, with highlights being the hammock forest afternoon and doing the drumming. Also smiling and laughing for the first time in a long time.

I'm looking forward to next year, although sometimes I kind of think I need to experience something else for four days.

Anyway... I'm tired today. Working two jobs is the pits, shift work is aack.

To end on a positive note - I tried this mocha torte ice cream cake from Dairy Queen tonight and i think I had a mouth-gasm. Well, I'm sure I had a mouth-gasm.

A year ago

2009-07-12T20:33:00.000-07:00

So hard to believe that one year ago I was preparing for wilderness camping with my six week old and embarking on a nearly impossible journey. One in which the reward was wonderful music, friends, and a laid back week in the north.

Of course, it turned out to be the complete opposite, and 100% disappointing (except for the music, and watching Jeremy's eyes light up!). But I find myself packing and mentally preparing for the same journey, different times and situation, and feeling light amounts of apprehension creeping into my thoughts.

Craven is usually the big warm-up for me, being that 1. I strongly dislike the country-music hickish big-jerk types, and 2. I've decided that it's a huge consumer waste-dump of condom wrappers and beer bottles. I don't go to Craven, but I always think of how I don't want to be like "that" on my homage to the north. So, like "that" meaning I'm thinking of ways to green up my camping practices. We will be drinking from beer cans, hopefully bringing water containers and using re-usable metal drinking bottles for all of us, and bringing as little packaging as we can that isn't recyclable. Of course it's almost impossible to do it waste-free, but I think we can make a good dent in the garbage pile by at least putting a little effort into our packing practices.

The only thing I wish is that we could cloth diaper on the road. It's just hard with no washing machines to make it realistic, or else we're carting home a bunch of dirty, smelly diapers or washing them in creeks, lakes, etc with no place to hang to dry. One of my friends found a hand-washing machine, which is kinda cool... but we don't have much time to order it online and it really isn't realistic for the amount of diapers we'd need to wash and the amount of water we need. Hot water is best for cloth diapers to clean them, I'm really not a fan of thrush/yeast infections on baby's butt. So unfortunately, disposable is the way to go.

The other reason I'm tense is the state I left my volunteering in when I left. I know I kinda screwed up, but I was dicked around on their end of things too. So I am disappointed with the sour taste about that, but I'll have to learn to slowly and surely let it go once I pass the gates and get my festival-goer bracelet on. I'll have my own great first aid pack ready to go, so hopefully only very serious injuries will take us to the first aid tent/booth or whatever they have set up... and I'll try and avoid it all together at all costs just to save face and remember just how little it should matter to me. Maybe I can enjoy the festival for what it is/was leave last year in the dust.

Such is life, but here we are embarking on a trip of our life time!

Also, be on the lookout for a new blog. I'm trialing out either typepad or wordpress at the moment, more or less to get away from the blog karma of this blog (but I don't want it to go away completely either). I love google and blogger, just craving a new platform and new perspective.

Anyway, ciao!

Expose: Hipster Assholes

2009-07-03T23:28:00.001-07:00

I don't know too many, but lately I've been noticing this trend among women's hairstyles of late and it is sort of bothering me. No offense, but I'm not a huge fan of the flat iron, big chunks of color, and spikey head look. I mean, on some people it looks smokin' but on others it's just not something that works.

Then it got me thinking about the other hipster traits. I've long been a reader of Vice Magazine and their Do's and Don'ts section. But I kinda thought they were making fun of hipsters. Then you see an article like this one.

Not all hipsters are assholes either, just some. But then there is the 80% douche bag rule - the one where most people in this world are just plain douchey. Bad english there, and perhaps a little irrelevant to call a vaginal washing fluid anything like your run-of-the-mill jerk. I guess the reality is that I'd rather avoid jerk assholes and douching.

But I digress, this is about hipsters. There's the hair, and the fake-ish connection with whatever is cool/hip to be cool/hip. I would akin it to frontin' or being a poseur.

Personally, I am just fine with being inconsistent and complacent "me".

Anyway, time for sleep...

Hello from Moosomin

2009-06-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

I'm on my first mobile clinic for the next day. Missing the babies, definitely, but I think they'll like me coming home and bearing gifts of the bounty! Well, Kayah will most likely not care much for what I got her but Jeremy will like it.

Life is okay, just pulled some mega work hours in the past two weeks and then some how jammed in camping with some excellent peeps. Was okay, I think I'm settling into the whole summer thing, even though it's only been a week (technically).

Rooming with another person, but it's cool because I don't mind being in a room with another smoker.

MJ died, which everyone knows, was interesting for sure.... but maybe he's in a place where he's happy? I still have the theory he'll "rise from the dead" but hopefully he doesn't - I think a lot of people would be rather upset if that happened!

The other celebs - can't say I really had much to say about all of that, just a sad week for losing noteable individuals. But this is a constant, life, death, etc etc.

Anyways...

I'm enjoying my night alone by really not sure anyone would want to be around a hurting momma tonight!

My Monday top ten clinic sayings:

- don't have sex with monkeys and you'll be fine.
- your veins are awesome.
- can I scrub you with some chlorhexidine? Do you know what that is?
- I know I keep asking you sex questions, but the question REALLY is why do you cut me off before I'm finished talking!
- Your blood pressure seems a little high, maybe it's my armpit stink?
- So, what's the weather like? Yeah, that was me outside only 20 seconds ago... hmm...
- You're bleeding wonderfully.
- Poke!
- Make sure you take an extra cookie for being so wonderfully endowed with veins!
- Do you know so and so? No?

That's it kids! Time to catch up on my internet tv shows! Did I mention I didn't have to be anywhere until 11am tomorrow? Score, sleep in for me!

holidays are coming!

2009-06-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

We're winding up for camping, folks.

I can't wait.

In other news, Kayah has slept for two hours (with occasional crying) on her own in the bed tonight, so Jeremy and I could get our web-time in sans milk-draining machine.

Also, Jeremy is pooping beets. Now you know.

A long journey

2009-06-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

If anyone is thinking of getting married some day, I think it's probably best to ask for money to invest in marriage counseling as opposed to gifts. It's probably a good investment - even better would be a professional mediator to come in and sort of the first few kinks and to help couples fight fairly.

It's a mystery that most married couples need to solve. Fighting fairly (?if there is such a thing?)... what does that mean exactly? You promise you won't go to certain extremes, like name calling of course and from there you have to respect certain boundaries. At the moment, I'm investigating my own increased sensitivity to anger - which comes from several sources but mainly from past men in my life. I almost need to stick my fingers into my brain and make la-la-la types of sounds to get through it.

Also needed is a coping mechanism for my curious need to criticize my husbands extra curricular activities. It's no mystery that I have a thing for bass players, or musicians in general. I don't dislike live music and I usually love the products of my husbands labors. The main issue is the time allotment. Anyway, it's going to be a long and arduous road figuring out what can get me out of the house while still maintaining breastfeeding, etc.

At least marriage makes making up a little easier. It is nice to come home from work and still see your husbands underwear on the floor. That sounds sick, but inevitably we figure things out.

Healing is an interesting journey, unfortunately it's a long one.

my exciting week

2009-06-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

I'm under attack by karma this week.

Had my first doula client birth this weekend. I had put aside the arrangements due to this crazy work schedule, and really hoped it would go smoothly.

Well, it was a 36 hour birth-marathon.

The circumstances were really beyond my control, this momma had a d-bag of a baby-daddy and needed lots of comfort and security. It really did take two doulas to get through it. I am re-examining my current doula practice, and will not take any primary clients until November. That goes for second attendant stuff too.

Got home from the birth and Kayah started puking, so off to the hospital we went on Sunday.

I know this was hard on Jeremy, but perhaps a good warm up for my upcoming overnights with my new job. It's important to me to not be the passive-at-home person while he gets all of the gigs and man-bonding times every week.

I'm very tired.

Blogging to y'all from Linux

2009-06-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

So I finally got into my brother's computer. He brought it to Sasky to charge his mp3 player and left it. I don't blame him - 10 minutes just to get into Vista, and one click would render it useless and locked up. Even tried re-installing Vista and wiping the drive - after a three hour session of restarting and teeth-grinding madness at Bill Gates I finally hit a brick wall and it was toast.

Got the balls up to look at Linux, finally settled on Mandriva spring 2009. It's really slick - a bit of a learning curve but for basic surfing and email it does the trick with no hang ups. I wouldn't call myself sold, but I'm considering trying it on my other laptop to see if it will restore my sound, which is probably a software issue but could also be mechanical - worth a try to make a partition I think.

I'm really loving the options! Changing fonts is fun, but the options are pretty much endless being an open source OS. Now, to learn some programming languages...not!

Work is going well, I'm getting into the thick of my orientation and might actually get to do some nursing skills tomorrow at clinic. So far, I've reconciled lots of lot numbers and expiration dates, counted packs, and barely touched a vital sign machine. Oh, and sat through a few hundred SOP's, or operation procedures.... there is an SOP for everything, including nose-picking while having sex with monkeys in the congo who snort coccaine off of the backs of eachother's parasitic and disease-ridden asses.

Today I got hit on by a female security guard, or maybe not hit on - but I just got a strange vibe like that. It's hard to explain, most likely it wasn't being hit on as much as it was just a different female energy than I had been with all day. Weird energy, but I didn't capitalize on it.

Having audio is sort of liberating, I'm getting caught up on my episodes of Greek (which I mistakingly got hooked on while Kayah was a few days old to pass the time), and maybe I'll even get some actual work done... maybe.

Anyhooooo....

I'm actually just really avoiding blogging about the birthdays of the girls, because honestly it's been really hard this week facing the fact that I won't get to do another first birthday party maybe. But I enjoyed it, managed not to cry with the help of insuing madness and cake cutting in a lightning storm.

my babies aren't babies anymore

2009-05-26T19:13:00.000-07:00

My baby is turning one! My older baby is turning nine, and entering rapidly into pre-teen hood. Ick.

pain!!!!>?

2009-05-23T23:30:00.000-07:00

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh.

It's almost like I feel a little more alive and real...but I just want to claw out someone's eyes. Why can't I just live without it? I don't understand!!!!!!!

I'm scared to move, but I sit too long and it gets worse again.

nutz

2009-05-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

I'd like to think I have some, but theoretically I don't. Or physically, although I once tried to convince my mom that a penis was going to pop out of my belly button.

If you haven't already heard of the neighbor fiasco, then I suggest that you wait until tomorrow because that's probably about the same time the caca hits the fan. If the Human Society decides to charge us with having dangerous animals on our property... I'm going to be very upset to say the least.

So my recourse has really only been to slam my door, glare, and make revenge plots up in my head. Most of them involve flaming bags of dog shit or other immature stunts - one of them involved reporting them to the EPA for dumping dog shit into Wascana Creek. I mean, it's the only solution for a neighbor who owns a dog that can't physically take a dump anywhere but where? I am guessing in the house, or maybe the doggie has a colostomy bag or something... could be a litter trained dog too, which I suppose is a noble. * Jeremy informs me the dog is a side-door dog on the other side, which makes sense I guess.

I invite any tagging youth to drop by, preferably on the south side.

I hope you enjoy the picture of the truk nutz. I've seen three or four vehicles today with nutz, and I have to say I am wondering if you can get a vaj in similar proportion to hang from your hitch?

Blood letting

2009-05-13T19:37:00.000-07:00

So, I am officially a new RN at Canadian Blood Services! Yay!

This blog post should not affect the view of my employer, even though I have nothing bad to say about them.

I'm looking forward to phlebotomy. To the good karma associated with working with people who want to help. Blood donation is going to be a great place to be, hopefully for a few years.

I really, really want to find my comfort zone in nursing. I've had four jobs as a nurse so far, and have only held my license for four years. It's not that I like change, it's that I like the fact that I can change. Portability was important to me when I chose nursing. I knew my first choice was labor and delivery, but because we were SO DISCOURAGED to pick it in our practicums because everyone would want it, I went the other direction. Of course community health was super rewarding and I enjoyed it immensely. Medicine was a good experience, I think every nurse should start on medicine for at least a few months to get the basic knowledge and skills (or experience your own personal hell for a while at least). Mental health should be a basic competency too - but the thing is, if you're a nurse who doesn't give a shit about human beings - no area is going to work ESPECIALLY not psychiatry.

This is an adventure, possibly, in learning how to budget money. It's not a full time gravy train like it was previously - well, sort of anyway. We're going to have to be careful with our cash and make some decisions. Which I'm cool with. I think our family has run remarkably well with a small amount of money coming in. Plus, as much as I want to just fix the house all at once, I really think it will work better for our busy family to do things as we can afford them at our own pace. I think we should enjoy ourselves too - I don't believe in hoarding pennies. We might have a pink house in the inner city with garbage burning jerks for neighbors - but at least we don't have hugely inflated debt load and no money to pay for it.

Doesn't mean I don't want nicer things - I'd just prefer to stay home part time with my kids and enjoy life.

So yay for blood services! I can't comment much on work - I'm only into day three. Tomorrow I'm observing in the lab...

Maternity leave is pretty much over.

2009-05-10T07:37:00.000-07:00

For more than a year, I've been "off of work" and I guess it's not such a bad thing. Although if you know me, I'm the opposite of a house wife. I appreciate leaving my house more than I do cleaning it.

Introspectively, I think this year was a pretty stressful year. But I guess I'm starting to see that life is just stressful, it's the coping mechanisms that need the work.

Also, I've lost my sense of positivity and turned into a giant pessimist lately - I think it could be my hormones doing weird things, maybe in preparation for weaning or just with all of the wacky change in Kayah's nursing patterns. Not entirely sure why my outlook has gone south - I certainly don't want to be a miserable hag. Maybe once I regain more of a sense of self by going back to work things will change a little? Not sure.

So, I am looking forward to returning to the work force tomorrow but I will miss my baby. I'm sure the tears will be flowing tomorrow morning and every morning for most of the week. Kayah and I are best friends - we've had some great adventures this year. Not many moms would take their kids camping at 4 weeks and then 6 weeks of age. Or venture to Saskatoon for car trips, swim in a full bathtub, breastfeed (yes, this is once again considered radical among my peers), or spent hours upon hours researching babywearing appliances for ultimate comfort of both of us.

I really hope my child care works out. This kind of worries me, especially since there are overnight stays involved in my rotation and I think they will be hard on everyone. But I think financially we need me to be back to work - and those overnights (being federal govy) will be some pretty good paying shifts.

Sigh. Couch, I will miss you and all of the time spent surfing various sites on you. Rocking chair, I'll miss you too but I'm sure we'll spend a few evenings together.

I hope things work out for the best. If you're praying folk, say a little one for us.

Weighing in on swine flu

2009-05-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

Just my two beans...

I think that we need to be excited. Our culture has continued to ignore basic hygiene, and this is a really good refresher to remind us that bacteria exist and will conquer the human population if we don't start paying attention!!

Some good comparisons - smoking kills 10,000 people per day (I know, I know, call me the freakin kettle), people die from HIV/AIDS, cancer, Tuberculosis, etc etc etc and there are ways of preventing all of these things.

If you're sick, stay home! No point in being the tough guy. I can understand in this economy that people can't afford to stay home - but it's a well known fact that if we can contain our own flu for two or three days we'll recover faster and won't take these bacteria to our co workers. Prevention is always the first step!! Wash your hands, fifteen times per day, before eating, after pooping, yada yada.

I really like how the school all of the sudden sends a note home yesterday about hygiene and the possibility of a school closure. Slightly late.

Should be announced anytime now that Sask has their first confirmed case. Ick.

Crunchy?

2009-04-30T09:34:00.000-07:00

I guess so... facebook says I'm super crunch-a-riffic I guess :). This is fine.

FYI - I really dislike my BlackBerry Pearl. Such a POS. It doesn't make my life much easier, but then again when I get 50 emails per day (?yes!) there's probably good causation for why I have no memory.

Back to work in a week. Not so excited for this....

Contemplating moving this blog to typepad or wordpress. Anyone disagree? I like blogger, but I'm digging reading a few blogs on wordpress!

Anyway, I'm far too distracted by the doodlebops right now. What a bizzarre little show.

It's snowing!!

2009-04-28T10:04:00.001-07:00

Which really sucks.

The dogs and the baby are napping on the couch right now, Kayah is making sucking motions with her mouth, and deepening her rem cycle no doubt!

I'm pretty numb with exhaustion. Had a busy night, had to call EMS last night at work. Yes, I made a funny about swine flu to the attendants and none of them smirked/smiled.

Thanks to Jeremy, I have a new-found love for dilly bars and I hear them calling for me from the freezer. But I fit into my size-9 pre-baby pants yesterday, was able to button them up and everything!!! So perhaps I shouldn't heed the call to eat soft serve and chocolate melty bits... ahhh...

Nothing else is new. Sigh.

My life direction

2009-04-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

Sort of swirling around right now, playing with a few things in my mind.

I took neonatal resuscitation yesterday! So now I can revive a baby, provided there is suction, oxygen, and endotracheal intubation available. The intubation isn't in my scope (which is nice).

Met a midwifery student there, and she's feeling frustrated about her process. There isn't a demand for a college of midwifery here (at least not an official school) but there is a shortage of midwives here in Regina. I'd like to take a course, but the distance options are too expensive and moving isn't an option. So for now... I'm going to work as a nurse and just get into birth in any way possible.

It's hard to describe - being birth-obsessed. I could read, watch, and work with pregnant and post partum moms all of the time. But the availability of that here in the city is scarce for me, lots of barriers at the moment.

Sigh....

Wow, been a while.

2009-04-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a while! I got myself a Crackberry. Not why I haven't been blogging, that is mainly due to going back to work full time (for a week), volunteering part time, and spending the rest of the time most likely sitting on my duff sleeping/eating or feeding the sick/fussy baby.

Three weeks of teething/fussy/high needs and just generally grumpy kid has run our family down. What a testament to family togetherness - we managed to all go through the flu and not stab each other. It's been really, really hard with little to none for help. If there was such a thing as dial-a-free-nanny, we would have maxed out just to get some sleep and rest in this house. We're lucky to have each other.

I'm proud to say I got a new job coming my way in a few weeks. Yeah yeah!! No more health region for a long time, I hope. I just really feel myself growing bitter being in the acute care facilities here - in the factions I was in. If I could waltz onto labor and delivery (not as a patient) I would gladly do that. But I never seem to win that lottery, maybe the nursing staff has my picture posted up somewhere saying "never hire this nurse, she hurt her back once" or something like that.

I just finished teaching an NLS course last week, and all I can say is that I'm really glad it's done! No comment on the rest of the stuff that happened, maybe some day I'll blog about it but for now I'm closing my lips tight. Not worth it.

Not much else is new. I need a break... I need to take my lovely husband out to sample brew and deep fried foods. I need my family to be healthy... just for a few weeks. Would love to get some spring cleaning and organizing done! We got a new babywearing device (depicted above) which hopefully is the answer to my prayers!

Well back to fun and whatever else might be considered the craziness from our household...

Stay tuned for scenes from a protest against formula - and how me and a friend single-handedly protested Similac at a baby expo! Kayah's first protest, at age almost-11 months! She was a trooper, pulling out her giant fleshy boob right to the left of the Similac table. Just so you know, the so called "feeding choices" for women that day were: formula, or eating under a breast-feeding tent! SERIOUSLY. Just in case a stranger were to walk by and see a big, fatty, sweaty, vein-filled and sour smelling nipple and misconstrue it for a sexual entity.

Been Thinkin...

2009-04-11T16:12:00.000-07:00

'Bout Jesus. But mainly about God, and the role of faith in my life.

I think we all wonder about faith. I guess I asked myself recently, why I brought babies into the world during uncertain times. Then I hum and haw to myself about self fulfilling prophecy versus paranoia-based parenting. Or paranoia-based living, for that matter. I mean, if I wanted to wait for doves to fly before I have kids I don't think we'd have them this time around.

Personally, I've never seen God, but I've been to hell. My hell was suffered at the hands of a man, at the edge of a glass, and maybe once or twice at the base of a toilet. It wasn't fire and pitch forks...no evil Lucifer, but I think I muttered the words "I don't want to die." Maybe once or twice begging God to grant me serenity to get through the future. It turned out okay and I didn't even have to eat wafers and repeat verses. But maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone. Maybe there's comfort in knowing I'm not alone in the struggle.

But then I think of my real-life friends, and how lucky I was to have their grace. No need to turn to suicide, I know if it gets that bad there are always a few people there for me, no matter how bad things are. I have my mom, for now, too.

I just wonder what God can do in addition to my current amount of love. Maybe it's just another arm in the hug.

But I need to reconcile with God about a few things, sexual, abortion, birth control, divorce, polygamy, hallucinogenics, mental illness, money, stained glass windows, Hitler, reincarnation, war, sexual abuse of minors, etc etc.

So I just want faith, basically, faith in that when times get tough, my peeps will help me. When times are good, my crew will come and celebrate. And when it's just simply Tuesday morning in the middle of April or something, that someone will drop me a "hey-oh" now and then. If I should ever pass on, I hope that someone will step in and help my family and make sure my Dance Mix '96 cd has a good home.

But part of me may find myself humming along in church and shaking my fellow neighbors hand - this is my favorite part of the service. I always think - why don't we just forgo the chanting and talk about making a meal for a sick family in town, or spend parish money on a nice home for the elderly or something. It makes more sense to me than to repeating the same old lines over and over. I live by a code, too - just try not to screw up today and if you do, try not to do it again the next day.

I'm organizing a fundraiser

2009-04-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

Just so you know, you've been cordially invited to the Doulas Of Regina fundraiser.

Many times I've attended events for others, so now it's your turn to come and support birth support for the women of Regina. We are raising money for our foundation so we can spread good vibes to the women of Regina about doula care.

If you don't think a doula is a good thing, just imagine how many women here in Regina would have had c-sections if a doula hadn't given them the encouragement to just breathe through the pain, change positions, or accept a nice amount of counter pressure on their back. How many women would have given birth without an epidural for pain relief had a doula just worked her through the pain? What I'm saying is that doulas are great for labor and even better for good outcomes after birth. Less intervention in birth means a healthier and happy baby after birth.

So, you see, it's totally worth it to you to chow down on some perogies and sausage to support the cause of other women and families! So come to the fundraiser, bring your kids and significant others. It's important to me and my family that you attend and spread good information about doula care.

Also, if you know of any musicians who would be willing to perform....

The Fuck it List

2009-04-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

Here are ten things I do NOT plan on doing before I die. Thanks Schmutzie.com for the idea....

1. Stay up for 72 hours straight. I thought it might be a fun experiment at one time, just to see what sort of things would happen to my brain in the coming weeks/days.
2. Becoming a jazz flautist. Sorry, flauting is not my thang.
3. Owning anything made by Fendi, Dolce and Gabbana, Juicy, Baby Phat, etc etc.
4. Traveling to the north pole. BTDT.
5. Seeing Nickelback play live.That also goes for Nickelback cover bands.
6. Guzzling a Big Bear.
7. Watching a live taping of Oprah or the Ellen Degeneres show. Oh, creepy Ellen dancing makes me shiver in a weird way.
8. Paying to see George Bush speak.
9. Trying cocaine, heroin, or pcp.
10. Getting a tramp stamp tattoo just above my butt crack. Sorry doods, I don't think you want to watch something like that deteriorate over time.

Still here...

2009-04-02T18:19:00.000-07:00

Just got my computer back. Kayah has been sick all week. We're not sleeping well, eating on the fly, and just barely scraping the barrel this week.

I'm feeling the flu coming on myself.

I watched the National last night and felt this overwhelming sense of the world on a brink of huge change. It was scary. The thought that sub-Saharian Africa is swelling into an uprising, Afghanistan and Pakistan are flaring their nostrils, and Detroit is turning into a ghost town. It's crazy.

Watching ER's final episode and feeling pretty crazy upset about that too.

Anyway, that's all that's new.

Also, I start at Canadian Blood Services on May 11 as a staff nurse part time. Got a friend doing nanny'ing for us.

My Emotional 8 year old.

2009-03-24T22:09:00.001-07:00

I'm sort of considering sending my 8 year old to a far away foreign galaxy. One where she can be a shit head to her friends, because she won't have to worry about having any.

This is totally new territory for me. My best friend and I growing up used to have fist fights one minute, and be carving our names into things as BFF's the next. We're not friends like we used to be now, but we were oh so close growing up. I miss her, but I've come to make new friends and have moved on from the elementary childishness.

Now that Tai is going through it, and really dug herself into a deep and isolating hole I really don't know where to go from here. I'm rather over whelmed at the moment with returning to work, etc. So today when the excrement hit the whirly thing above, I almost caved myself. Mommy the rock has been mommy the soft sponge lately.

How many times can you tell Tai to just let things go? To move on? At what point do you tell your child not to let bullies get away with their shit? I know Tai is an instigator too, but in a way I think she's just defending herself from the elements as well. I don't want her to be a total softy. It's considered tattle-tailing when you go to an adult and ask that the abuse stops. It's considered being a bully when you tell the jerk to mind her manners. If you walk away and the abuse keeps coming and coming and coming eventually it starts to eat at you.

Anyway, I'm going to the school tomorrow to face the music` with the principal.

weekly update.

2009-03-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

Nothing much to report. We went to Melville to visit the great grandparents Pilon. Kayah was shy and played the strange game. It was fun to have a break from the digital world. Felt liberating not to be attached to the laptop, or feel the need to check my facebook inbox.

We got a new fish tank and stand, and now we have a fish tank in our bedroom and one in the living room. I don't mind either, running water is a nice sound to come home to.

In other news, Kayah is still a fire breathing red head.

It's not -45

2009-03-16T07:34:00.000-07:00

That, in itself, is a reason to be happy, celebrate, jump up and down, and guzzle some beer and bbq.

Let the nice weather and mucky melt begin :).

Also, if you know of any fish tank stands (like for a 29 gallon tank), let me know.

kayah!

2009-03-11T21:04:00.001-07:00

THE SPIRITED CHILD

About 20% of all babies born have temperament traits of a fussy or high need or what we call a “spirited child”. Spirited children share many of the following characteristics. They require extra TLC from parents because their behaviour can be very challenging. Children generally do not change their temperament as they grow but temperament can change in intensity as they move through their developmental stages. Parents are not responsible for making a child “spirited”.

They are born that way and grow up to be wonderful adults. Parents handling a spirited child need extra support, and need to be sure that their needs are met: sleep, healthy food, healthy self esteem, and personal time.

Babies

Wants to be held all the time.

Doesn’t schedule well for eating, and toileting.

Cries for no apparent reason.

Reacts strongly against sleep training.

Won’t stay for long in carriers.

Toddlers and Preschoolers

Smart-won’t play with toys, mostly real items.

Every day is unpredictable.

Mood swings in minutes.

Wakes up generally unhappy.

Early night terrors and many night time awakenings.

Severe separation anxiety

Goes through most daily requirements-dressing, diaper changing, meals, bath, toothbrushing, with difficulty

Clings in new situations and with strange people.

Wants to do everything themselves.

Not easily distractible.

Violent, intense tantrums.

Very active.

Picky eater.

Still requires a lot of attention and physical contact.

School Aged

Very structured and needs routines.

Better tempered if gets adequate sleep and food.

Very determined in needs and wants.

May dislike clothing blends.

Requires a lot of physical contact.

May still have temper tantrums if goals thwarted.

May still have periods of separation anxiety.

Teenagers

Not easily swayed by peers.

Requires a lot of physical contact.

Determined and self directed.

Now I'm thinking, it could be dangerous.

2009-03-09T21:39:00.000-07:00

So few things inspire me to blog one-handed. But this may just have inspired me:

1. So, dude, you shoot your mouth off like a crazy hippy all of the time. You sure that's wise, being in the public eye and all?

- maybe not. But I have a severe case of occipitus-inserted into anus. Or foot-in-mouth disease. Either way, there is still freedom of speech and I'm not using too much hate-speech. My step mom is a frequent target of words of negativity... this is merely an outlet. Far better than making poor lifestyle choices in back seats of cars.

2. Why should I give you any credibility as a health care professional?

- I passed the exam. And graduated. All while having several psychotic (or almost) episodes due to having to write and then re-write every paper after a hard drive total loss. Also, I am really, really good at research.

3. What is your mental status now?

- Just fine, although I'm vowing to stay away from birth control pills/rings just to make sure. Sad but true - I get even more psychotic under the influence of additional estrogen/progesterone.

So that's it, folks. I make few references to anything harmful here, other than a few lovers gone awry. There was a few weeks/months where I was a pissed off band-wife. These things happen when a newborn reeks havok on your self-care patterns, your family life is in shambles, and pain is a constant companion.

I'm taking yoga now, with this guy.

Namaste, bitches.

From Asia, circa 2007.

2009-03-08T09:12:00.000-07:00

So this is the job

2009-03-05T09:07:00.000-08:00

I got the job at Victoria Personal Care Community, providing staff education and signing people off on their skills. It's 1-20 hours per week, so I can finish my EI and just work on my Lactation Educator stuff in between work. I think it will be a good job, I'm looking forward to it! I wish it was just straight 20 hours per week so I could get off of EI, but I'm hoping by the end of May I'll be in good enough physical shape to return to a casual job at the RGH on psychiatry.

Yesterday I went to an intensive breast feeding session with the Doulas of Regina. It's fairly obvious that women are being discharged from the hospital with breast feeding difficulties and DESPITE the local resources, women are making the choice to end breast feeding far earlier than is possible. I'd like to do some research and find out specific local numbers, but among the First Nations community the breast feeding rates are still far less than among the white population. There are reasons for this: first nations mothers are commonly advised by their families to allow their babies to be raised by their families. Without access to breast milk (because lets face it, pumping is not an easy task to undertake 10-12 times per day to maintain supply), these babies are commonly introduced bottles and solid foods as well as cows milk, pop, juice, and less commonly water (let alone SAFE water). The lactation consultant does many presentations and assistance on reserve, but she's only available during the day... nursing can only do so much, being bogged down with clinics, paperwork, and politics. I know the politics side only too well - it's similar in the city.

Fact of the matter is, women need role models. Our mothers came from a generation where it was radical to breast feed. This is why we see billboards, posters, and all kinds of media encouraging mothers to breast feed. It's a new phenomenon to breast feed beyond six months, let alone a year or more.

Anyway, the session yesterday was helpful I suppose. I just wish that there was a breast feeding help line, or a 24-hour home visiting breast feeding doula here in the city. Maybe it's something I'd look at starting, with the help of local La Leche League leaders. It's a very, very vulnerable period in the first few days after giving birth. You're tired, exhausted, and there's the dangling carrot-bottle that seems like bliss.

New research has shown that formulas with DHA/ARA, which is derived from fish oils, can cause some babies to be fussy, gassy, and allergic. It gives a whole new spin to things - commonly misdiagnosed as reflux or an allergy to cows milk formula/soy/goat. Not every baby reacts... but how frustrating that must be to mommas who are so tired and unable to troubleshoot!

Tonight I'm having some girls over to talk about babywearing. Should be fun! No, it's not a fad... it's a huge help :).

I'm pretty sure I got the job...

2009-03-02T16:54:00.000-08:00

Well I'm waiting on references still, apparently, but I think I'll really like this job. It seems like a nice, laid back, chilled out kind of position. No drama-rama, no complaining. Everyone seems to like it there.

So now it's just planning for life ahead! Yippee skippee!

Not much is new around here. Whats new with all of you?

Flickr

2009-02-26T20:44:00.001-08:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

End of the road

2009-02-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

So physio ends tomorrow, at least this round. I failed my assessment to meet my current job demands by 5lbs (lifting). It doesn't surprise me, Tuesday I pushed a wheel chair and my feet went numb. Granted, I've been doing NOTHING in the way of practicing these skills up until this week. So as much as they want me to be ready to return to the work force, they certainly did absolutely NOTHING to prepare me for the physical demands and of course set me up for absolute failure.

The whole issue now is that I need to go to the tertiary/secondary level once again as I had in June of 2007. It means doing a multi-disciplinary assessment with the chiro, doctor, psych, OT/PT, and neurosurgeon. My physio thinks that this will open the chicken and egg argument about pregnancy exacerbating the back injury and being the root cause of my current problem.

This is all despite a conversation I had prior to pregnancy with my exercise therapist. I asked her about becoming pregnant in the post-injury period, and she said to me that it would be fine as I was in pretty good physical shape at that time. This made sense to me, and we promptly started baby-making. Then I started getting sick, and at 18 weeks of pregnancy I got hurt at work.

But lets me realistic here - I don't think it's conceivable to think that a 170 pound 6 foot 11 inches tall man struggling to get away (with little me in a pretzel-twist) isn't going to cause me some sort of injury. Had I not been pregnant at the time, some rest and physio for six weeks would have been fine. But they chose NOT to do any sort of rehab with me until after the baby. So I was a mess at six weeks post partum.

They COULD have taken conservative management and had me doing gentle stretching through the pregnancy. Maybe some ROM (range of motion) to keep my muscle tone so that post-partum management would have been easier. Instead of that, they just discharged me and let things go until "whenever" in the post partum period.

I think the REAL challenge is realizing that in nursing, women are the prevalent population and pregnancy is a common thing among that population. Why do they not have a physio who can work with pregnant nurses? I KNOW I'm not the first to have this happen, I ran into a fellow school-mate who was in the EXACT same position. All of my workers were pretty insistent that it had happened several times that the pregnancy prevented the worker from continuing their job with an injury AND pregnancy on board.

If pregnancy isn't indicated, then the exercise therapist should NOT have recommended that I pursue it. Granted, she didn't know my history of Hyperemesis G, but at that point I really hadn't considered that it was something I should be concerned with in subsequent pregnancies.

So long story short, I should have waited. But I didn't, and now it may affect my future.

So it's a sad day here in our house hold.

I'm not sure where to go or what to do, all I know is that I need to return to work soon and I won't be able to do it on the acute care side. Being disabled, I would hope that the health region would accomodate me the same way they would accomodate anyone else with health challenges. But I suppose I need to be "labelled" disabled by someone. It can go right beside my "insane" stamp I guess.

OctoMom

2009-02-25T14:30:00.000-08:00

Is on Dr. Phil.

Kayah is destroying my house, ONE of her drives me nuts, I can't imagine seven more.

Beyond that, this woman seems like she's a little nonchalant about all of this. Really not realistically considering fourteen children. Also wanting to get her Masters degree and being a counselor, STILL not enough to support those babies.

Kinda sad, but I think she is genuine about her IVF adventures. It's pretty amazing - less than 1% chance to have the eight babies. I don't think she's worthy of death threats. Why not stop the negative press and start helping this woman raise her babies. I don't think helping her will reinforce her to have more babies or encourage others to do this too. We're just so set as a humanity to consume and provide for our little islands. We're so quick to judge each other and be hurtful rather than to help out.

I truly believe that humans and mothers were meant to raise their babies in communities rather than all by themselves. How else would the men get time to go and hunt and skin their kill? Or play wicked guitar licks?

Will find out on Wednesday

2009-02-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

Not sure how the interview went, from my perspective it seemed like casual conversation about the weather, how "dead" the senior living complex had been that morning, and about how crappy it was being a rez nurse. In all honesty it wasn't that BAD being a rez nurse, or crappy, but definitely had it's draw backs and downsides like any job. It just goes to show money isn't everything!

Cross your appendages, hopefully things turn out for the best. I also applied for a few lines at the hospital. Two on labor and birth and one with public health. I almost always get beat out when I apply for competitions, but it's worth getting my name dropped here and there.

Not much else is new, we're just hanging loose n free the past few days. Still recovering from our week of ill; I sure hate going through that with kids. It's been better as a married couple, but we've both been so tired lately.

Kayah is officially into cloth diapers now, and has been for about two weeks. So we can cross that goal off of our random acts of green for 2009.

We celebrated a friend's 30th birthday on the weekend. That was fun. It was just like high school again, only a few new faces and some old ones. Never ceases to amaze me how some people never change.

This whole new rink issue is heating up in Moose Jaw, it's pretty significant when your drunk friends talk about that more than facebook. There are big signs up everywhere about voting either way. Personally, I think it's a lot of money to invest into the city but recreation usually gets the short end of the stick when it comes to some seniors. I'd just hate to see what would happen to the young pucks who won't be able to chase their WHL heart throbs anymore if the Warriors leave. One of my favorite memories of going to Warrior games was point out the good looking ones and watching them skate back and forth. They didn't go to my high school, so I didn't know any of them well. One of my friend's dated one and took me to a hockey party once, which was totally boring. She left me on a couch for a few hours while she made out with the guy, and then I ended up walking home alone.

Seriously, though, I think the city should committ some money to all of it's facilities and find a reasonable way to build a better rink/soccer complex. But who am I, I'm not even a current resident.

Job interview tomorrow

2009-02-22T18:25:00.000-08:00

I'm excited, nervous, and a little bit uncertain about this job. In a perfect world, there would be unicorns and enough money to stay off for a full year. If I would have been strictly spending my income on essentials only, I would have been fine. We still could do some asset management (ie. sell a car and liquidate used items) to make it last until September.

So wish me luck. 20 hours/week, flex-time, competitive wages/benefits, and non-health region... but it doesn't mean I'm not going to leave the region completely. Just doing this Monday-Friday and picking up at the hospital on weekends until a better option falls into my lap.

25 Things - Blog Edition

2009-02-15T19:48:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure why I feel the need to do this one again, because this makes fifty off-the-cuff comments I've had to formulate.

1. I'm a hair puller, zit picker, nail biting self-harming individual. I know lots of people who do those things, I'd like to quit. I'm thinking hypnotism will be the first place to start.

2. Chocolate is a definite weakness of mine.

3. I've had bad toe nail fungus for a few years now, and it's resistant to OTC remedies. It sucks, it's ugly, but I think the real solution would be quitting chocolate.

4. If you've seen me partially nude, you may have seen my vitiligo. I've had it from early childhood and I hope it stays under my clothing.

5. I hope to return to work, but not as a nurse. I think my calling is in midwifery, and community based at that. I am holding out to take training. So my official title is nurse-waitingtobea-midwife.

6. It wouldn't be a tragedy to become pregnant again. But I am struggling with the logistics. I love my girls and feel complete as a family. There are some left over thoughts I have... and I'm differentiating whether it's a self-fulfilling prophecy or a true dedication of another 40 weeks of hell, infancy, toddlerhood, and then teenage hell. If they came out a 8 and skipped 11-19 I think I'd be sold.

7. If I hadn't taken nursing, I think I'd still be lifeguarding and still being skipped over for head guard duty. I just wasn't pretty enough, sad but true.

8. Smoking is my primal scream. I think my addiction goes further back than cigarettes to my thumb-sucking days. It's oral fixation - I don't inhale deeply or enjoy the taste.

9. Being so busy has been great this month. If I was depressed, I seem to have passed it by for now with healthy distractions- like a new circle of woman-friends. Also, the family thing is starting to become less of an issue.

10. My bizarre 10 years is winding down, and I think that the drama-rama was all created so that Dr. Phil can have a week-long series of episodes for my family. Possible titles include:

Monday - When Harry met "the cleaning lady" - an epic story of laundry and obsession with large women
Tuesday - Shit hits the fan: Teenagers without their mother
Wednesday - Hit me baby one more time(s)
Thursday - Dr. Phil house: gloves off, dusting mitt that is.
Friday - Trust me, it gets worse.

11. I use humor to mask my insecurity.

12. My list of boyfriends is long. But I'm glad I dated and got an idea of what kind of a person I wanted to be with in the long term, rather than just settling for the first person who was kind and thoughtful.

13. My expectations for a partner are pretty high - but I think what I am looking for mostly is someone who worships me and who I worship in return. He also must like dogs and Vietnamese food.

14. In a previous time, I may have considered allowing a family member to raise Tai. But I'm really glad that I stuck it out and just persevered beyond the mucky muck. I never would have considered an outside adoption, though.

15. Several times in my life I've thought about relocating to Tofino, BC. I really liked the pictures I've seen online and I think it would be fun to learn how to surf and just be a beach bum. I actually think that my psyche needs to be near the Pacific ocean and mountains.

16. Sometimes I look at real estate in Jasper. I love the mountains, skiing, being in the mountains, and just drinking in the scenery. But at the same time I don't think Saskatchewan is such a bad place to be either.

17. I miss my job on medicine, but not because of the actual work. My favorite thing to do was to make beds and talk to elderly patients. It was truly an honor to be with people in the end of their days.

18. In the future I'd like to do some art. Whether it's writing or drawing/painting/sculpting - I'm not sure - but I think in a deserted cabin

19. Breastfeeding is wonderful, but it's not for everyone. I hope to not lose sight of that once I start my lactation educator course.

20. It's taken me three or four days to do this stupid list, I'm not sure why I wanted to do it again.

21. Jeremy is doing well on Wii fit, and I am losing a bit too. It's not much, but I think our eating habits have changed.

22. I feel really lost without my dreads, so I'm replacing it by just working on my crunchy goddess factor. We're honestly trying to make a difference in our impact.

23. Beer is a wonderful invention. So is wine. Not a fan of other liquor, and I definitely am fine with just having one or two drinks here and there.

24. My weakness - ice cream.

25. It saddens me that my kids won't know a world without internet.

I do...

2009-02-15T12:49:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to announce to the world that I have a wonderful man in my life :). Everyday, not just Valentines. Although I perpetually complain about his active social life and his socks on the floor.

I'm still here.

2009-02-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

I've just discovered that my ass isn't/shouldn't be permanently attached to the couch.

Although this means we've been out of the house a lot, as opposed to staying home and getting things organized.

Can a girl help it if she needs a womanly support network?

It's been a good few weeks, I've been meeting other breast feeding moms through the La Leche League. I haven't officially joined yet, as I am still feeling unsure about paying for sharing experiences. I feel like I can sit in a room and talk about boobs without paying $40/year, and luckily the magazine that comes with your subscription is available online.

If you haven't noticed/heard yet, Salma Hayek breast fed another baby in Africa. She was lactating, the baby was hungry, so the stars aligned and this baby got a meal. I don't think it's any different then when we send our extra pennies to Unicef or some other organization. Some people may think "ewww, she gave another baby boob", or "what's the baby going to do for the rest of it's nutrition? Why didn't she just buy the mother a case of formula?" I am pretty sure she left a sizeable donation of something, and perhaps she pumped a load of breast milk or something. The story doesn't go into details, but there seems to be a lot of outcry among the formula feeding crowd (and I'm sure some breast feeding mothers).

This weekend is Valentines. I tried to find Jeremy a nice banana hammock, no such luck at the Cornwall.

Yawn

2009-02-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

I'm sleep deprived today. It wasn't for lack of trying, just no fun waking up through the night. I watched some figure skating, which was kinda fun. Although I was doing triple sow cows in my dreams.

No hippy-dippy shit to report tonight.

But I did tie dye some cloth diapers over the weekend, and they turned out okay. It's all non-toxic dye, and no I didn't give Kayah Kool-Aid to ingest to make them. Although, ureka, I think I may have solved my low-dye issue.

Channeling Post Secret

2009-02-08T09:31:00.000-08:00

We refer to it as "Pulling a Tillman".

Just a quick comment on that - I think it's sad that Rider fans are being giant jerks about it, but I also think due justice will be served. Whether or not Tillman actually touched inappropriately, I think each of us has a personal space boundary and others need to be receptive to that. Maybe it shouldn't cost a man his credibility and career, but it's an unfortunate byproduct of our society. I'm contributing to it by blogging it.

Anyway, the secret just caught my eye this morning and it's been a very hot topic over the past week or so. As much as some people think "poor Tillman", I still think that the victim is going to have a far worse time with it. She will have many more years than him (hopefully) to live with the memory.

A change of pace.

2009-02-08T08:35:00.000-08:00

We're listening to Scenery and Fish right now! It brings me back to the days when Edwin was in my "dreams" and my new boyfriend left me and his best friend keys to his empty house while his family went to California. I was deliciously evil and ended up hooking up with the best friend over that summer. It's funny how music from the 90's unlocks various buried memories for me. Like listening to So Gently We Go from Digg and remembering driving around in my friend Curtis' truck while he delivered pizza. Which reminds me, I dated another delivery driver for a short period of time as well. Although that driver preferred listening to Ride the Lightning.

Tai recently confided in me that she had a few crushes, only she named a boy and a girl. Although I think her miniature-sexuality is far from developed, so it doesn't seem abnormal. We played the "his/her name starts with a __" game for almost a week before she finally just gave up and told me. It wasn't hard to wave the class list for Valentines in front of her face to remind her that the name was somewhere on the list.

I think the difference between Tai and me (at 8/9 years old) will be that I will encourage her to keep me posted about her dating and other activities. I really hope she trusts me enough to tell me, because I think that having those conversations with her will be important when she does get to the deeper secrets. I never told my mom about my crushes or dating life. There was never a "birds/bees" conversation, other than her yelling at me not to close my bedroom door when I had a boy over. It didn't stop anything from happening, just made it essential to have blankets in close proximity.

So, the winds of change are blowing for my oldest baby whilst my youngest is still mastering her fine motor skills and breast feeding in numerous positions. Talk about a wild ride, 8 years apart!

Not so-horny house wife

2009-02-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

It's Saturday, and beautiful outside. I have little want to leave the house, in fear that the fruit flies will take over!!

Also, I think it was total karma that my Big Gulp was nothing but water.

Suck on this

2009-02-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

** Rhonda is jumping on her booby soap box **

http://www.theecologist.org/pages/archive_detail.asp?content_id=586
It's not a trend, it's not a pressure tactic.

Every day I wish I had never started smoking. Some people did it out of the "fitting in" factor, some did it because they had access to it or their parents did it. Regardless of why, there is something that sticks out in my head as a child.

My grandmother (a proud smoker of like 60 years) once told me that she went for a chest x-ray and the doctor told her she had the lungs of a healthy non-smoker. I think I was in my early teens at the time and I had been chastising my gramma to quit.

There it is, that's the seed. I knew the dangers of smoking at a very early age, I used to cough at the smoke o's my gramma smoked. I remember her blowing o's while we were at the Forks having lunch.

So what does smoking cause? Cancer in some? Some live to be 100 and smoke a pack a day, others die at the age of 50 from lung cancer or COPD or Emphysema.

I KNOW the risks of smoking, yet I continue to do it and hope that I will be one of the lucky ones.

So, I ask of my reading population, would this be a valid way of making the choice to feed baby formula? That because so many babies you know or have known did fine on formula, it's the right choice for your baby?

The above article is quite interesting.

I urge you to read it if you're considering what kind of nutrition you will be using in your upcoming ventures into parenthood.

Don't consider it a solicitation or a pressure/scare tactic. Consider it the oldest trend in the book.

Maternity leave bucket list!

2009-02-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

So the end is drawing near. I'm looking at my year and I'm pretty upset that my projects all go unfinished, or poorly done. My energy is pretty low most of the time, and I really am trying to get out of the house as much as possible.

But, here is my bucket list.

1. Kayah's room and my room - organized...cleaned out before spring. I'm making small steps in my room, but Kayah's room just hasn't been going well at all.

2. Plan for savings - I want to start putting away bits and pieces for a vacation, somewhere exotic (or not Saskatchewan or Manitoba).

3. Living room - curtains washed or replaced.

4. Kitchen renovations - I want drywall up, mudded, taped, and walls painted before work.

5. Filing up to date, bills set up online.

- so that's just a start, but I have a few projects to work on. I want to tie-dye Kayah's flat diapers and maybe knit a cover or two.

OH, I forgot.

I want to lose 20 pounds. Even 10 I'd be happy with. But 20 is ideal.

Flapping my social wings

2009-02-01T20:25:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy week! I'm not sure how we managed to plow through without getting violent with each other, but we did.

Our friends returned from South Korea and brought us a beautiful tapestry/table runner. I'm very excited to design a room around it!

I made phyllo appetizers, which was fun... I guess. They were pretty tasty.

We had two extra girls on Tuesday and one extra from Thursday to Sunday. I can't complain, both girls were great to have around!

Friday night Jeremy went out to the Exchange/band/man-bonding. I went shopping.

(Side note: mirrors in dressing rooms are horrible, but then you step out into the actual clothing store and look in their mirrors and what you're wearing looks better. Well, sometimes.)

I'm now the proud owner of black dress pants with a cuffed bottom and a purple shirt that makes my boobs look fabulous. So I can pass for hoochy momma by night and office-slut by day. I think I'll either have to shop at Tan Jay for old women or Le Chateau, the in between stuff that used to be fairly safe for work has all turned into ultra-sleeze. There's not much in between frump and Frauline.

Saturday I went to a wedding, after spending all day combing out my dreads. So I'm now back to the start with no dreads (and I feel empty). The wedding we went to was beautiful, Holly would have LOVED the white cloak the bride was wearing. I'll try to tag a picture of myself if I see one.

After the late ceremony and a short dinner we went to JD's (a bar/STD magnet). We appropriately labeled men by their probable sexual infection. Some bridal party was there doing a bachelorette and the bride was wearing a blinking thong. Appropriately, I suppose, to alert those around you that you probably have a raging case of the trich.

I'm not missing the bar life, but I need a dance outlet. I haven't danced like a mad woman since Mobadass at Field '06.

Then today we went to my friend Erinn's place for a Superbowl eat-fest. It was fun to not watch the game and talk about babies, etc.

Bruce Springsteen was a rather old fart on the half time show. By the way, Brucey, I didn't put down my wings and guac for your old ass.

So I'm tired... can't wait to do it all again this week!

Read before reading below:

2009-01-28T22:19:00.000-08:00

the previous blog post isn't addressed at any one person or comment. I just want it to be known among my peer group/readership that I'm not spamming or hurting people by becoming a lactation educator or a lactavist.

I now I commented and said my girls are smart because of my choice, but it's not just the nutrition they are getting, it's a much larger picture.

How wonderful it would be if nobody got offended or put off, but I know what a controversial subject can do, so if you're sensitive I sincerely apologize.

As always, this is my blog and I'll fling poop now and then.

Apparently on the show The Doctors, they can implant some $120 G thingy that makes women orgasm. So my question is how come I have to pay that and my husband picks up a scrip for Viagra for a small fraction?

I guess if I could fling actual poop at somebody/one, it's going to be the genius group of MEN who spent the time condensing sexual excitement into a pill and not surgery by mutilation.

Now discuss.

I'll put it out there.

2009-01-28T21:21:00.000-08:00

For the sake of discussion.

9 years ago (almost!) I got knocked up. In the simplest terms, I was dating a guy for three months and engaging in activities that were risky. Nobody to blame but myself, but at 19 I really lacked insight into birth control methods. All I knew was that the pill made me vomit for three to five days a month, severe nausea for a few more, extreme mood swings for the middle, and I'm pretty sure I bit the heads off several small children before a roaring period came on.

To re-cap, I was not on the pill long.

Anyways, along comes Tai. I survived a hyperemesis, violent, pseudo teenage pregnancy. My parents were both driving me bananas (my mom far less than my dad) and this whole step-mother who wasn't at the time but was in my face constantly thing... Anyways, I'm lucky that my love and bond with my baby saved my life. Previous to the pregnancy I really was going down the road of alcoholism. I walked out of my house in barely anything in -30 weather to hopefully die at around 20ish weeks pregnant or so.

If hindsight is 20/20, I can clearly see that had I chosen NOT to breast feed Tai there is a really probable possibility that things would be different today. Or maybe not, but I can say I turned down drinking and drugs and a really dangerous lifestyle to parent my child. I bonded with her, and I'm glad for that.

So IF my child is happy and well adjusted, it's certainly due to some factors:
a. she had great people around her
b. my mom
c. my grandma Anna (in her lucid days)
d. my supportive extended family members
e. she was never without

In ADDITION to that, it MAY be possible that breast milk has given her immunity and a strong base.

I'm never going to say that other children are insuperior to mine because I breast fed. Not in so many words. I don't want anyone to feel belittled or put down because they weren't/arent/don't breast feed.

I'm pro-choice in YOUR case, but in MY case and MY circumstance, breast feeding as played an integral part in bonding with my babies. THIS is why they are superior - and I don't mean SUPERIOR TO OTHERS. I mean superior to what they could have been had I not made the choice.

This past pregnancy is slightly different in that I have family support and a loving daughter and husband, but if you throw up or feel like a bag of shit for 290 days it's pretty easy to stare at your uterus and get pretty pissed. Like really upset at myself and at my baby. Like thinking horrible thoughts - like wanting to end the pregnancy at 20 weeks. Then there's begging for early labor to begin at 31 weeks if it means relief from feeling like that.

Kayah is here, we are feeding, but I still feel a little empty spot in my heart. I really grieve the fact that both pregnancies have really, really made me resent my children in any way.

So, the 90% strong bond I feel with my girls is/may have been enhanced.

Maybe one other person will feel this way if they have information about lactation? I don't know, I'm a strong believer in HARM REDUCTION applying to much of life, because I can't personally change the world. The people I'm helping can make their own decisions, I'm just passing things by.

I just want to help those who make the choice to breast feed to feel as though they have a support network and information available. You're right, it's not for everyone and lactating women and people who put up posters in doctors offices should stop assuming that because they made that choice it's right for all mothers/babies.

It's NOT supposed to be about who's child is better/superior. It's all about the parent and how they chose to parent that child. My choice to breast feed doesn't make me a good parent. If I am the parent I think I am, it's only because the people around me lift me up and help me do what I can. I think that is the important thing to remember - a lactavist isn't about shooting down formula feeding as much as it's about supporting and guiding those who've made the choice. I'm not going to get all pushy and tell anybody anything. But I'm not going to lie to parents either when they ask about the ingredients in baby formula or about how melamine made it into the food supply. I'm not going to put down a mom for making the choice she did, because motherhood is all about SURVIVAL. You get by any way you can.

So, are we in agreeance that I'm not going to be bombing Similac factories any time soon? I solemnly swear!

I'm over it!

2009-01-27T09:02:00.000-08:00

Did you think I would stay mad forever? Seriously?

Kayah is playing so nicely on her own right now, it's very cute watching her stacking while singing and talking to her toys. She loves her baby doll, unfortunately Shadow chewed the fingers up!

So I'm getting involved in yet another career prospect. I'm taking a CAPPA lactation educator course through distance learning right now. I really want to get into the business of educating others about the wonders and beauty of breast feeding. I enjoy it and have no problems with telling people I extended the breast feeding relationship with Tai. As socially unacceptable as my family and friends may think it was, they aren't reaping the benefits of an extremely healthy child(ren) at this point. Tai is beyond smart, and she's NOT sleeping in my bed EVER, she's independant, etc etc. Kayah is doing pretty good herself. Yes, we're co-sleeping... but at least we're sleeping to some extent.

Exciting times for me. I'm really looking forward to what this will bring! Maybe even a better job in the nursing world, maybe the funds I need to get my midwifery degree. It can only open doors.

Weekends are for lovers.

2009-01-24T21:58:00.001-08:00

I don't have much to complain about. I bought this house with intentions of renovating it and making it my own. I knew that renovations meant essentially "destruction" and "demolition" and "chunks of drywall and nails everywhere".

But I don't have to like it. I HATE THE UNBALANCE. My kitchen table is in my freshly-organized living room. There is gross-ass tile glue on the kitchen walls. My chimney is exposed so baby Kayah can just reach up and pick off the concrete.

Just for the record: I did not support a demolition of my kitchen.

But now we need to do something about it, seriously.

If you're into drywall or know someone who is, and will work for beer SEND THEM MY WAY.

The Helper Mentality

2009-01-22T15:49:00.000-08:00

Suppose I should enlighten all in what has been happening this week.

I'm working closely with another breast feeding mom and doing some trouble shooting. I can't say I've had the experience with the evil complications of breast feeding, so I don't feel qualified to "relate". But I have no problem with working with someone else in finding solutions. Solutions are not easy to come by, but they aren't all that difficult either.

I'm finding the internet to be this huge and overwhelming space to work within. You get all kinds of junk when you're surfing from link to link. But some stuff out there is extremely useful. Chances are if I can't find something here in within my circle, I can usually click outside of the circle and work in that direction.

While looking in all of these directions, I stumbled upon a few career possibilities. Of course I looked to see if I would have a niche here in Regina, because there's usually someone else who's 1000 times better at something when you're just starting out.

Regina seems to have very few "Lactavists", by which I mean people who are super strongly invested in promotion and finding solutions in breast feeding. There is the RQHR breast feeding clinics, a lactation consultant or two, and of course your local doctor, nurse, and La Leche League group. But sometimes your needs exceed those individuals. Or maybe you can't participate in those solutions. Perhaps you're into natural healing. Anyway you look at it, it's a pretty limited pool of people at times.

The other scene is the Attachment Parenting (AP) scene. I only personally know one other person who believes in this mentality, and I'm not married to her. So this means I'm pretty much lonely and sometimes run out of solutions or support. I can only email so many articles to my husband before he just throws the hot coffee back in my face.

It's not a permanent solution to start a facebook group or attend a few meetings. So I think I may just start a part time consulting firm where I encourage people to breast feed and wear their babies.

** I might add, I'm not the worlds most natural or attachment-parenting rule follower. I sometimes (gasp!) don't put my baby in cloth diaper (well.... most of the time I don't), occasionally I don't wear my baby and use a stroller, and we let our baby cry herself out once in a while.

What matters the most is that we don't feed our child too much junk food and formula. We also abstain from dropping her on her head. Occasionally we allow her to chew on beer bottles, eat cigarette butts, and suck the crusty stuff off the ketchup bottle. But this doesn't make me an expert in rearing children, merely experienced in providing and giving a sub-par slice o' life.

Naked man escapes tanning bed disaster

2009-01-20T08:21:00.000-08:00

OH THE COMMENTARY:

Well, he DID want to look hot. Mission accomplished!

This is one hot story! LOL

"tanning career" <--- do any of the major universities in Canada off a Bachelor of Tanning? How do I apply! LOL. What a joke.

What the hell's a tanning career?...."

by fantastic co-incidence the man is a skilkled leathermaker.

Okay lets throw in a little humiliation, I guess. The Man With a Tan Who Ran.

I wonder if he was listening to Midnight Oil on the built-in stereo

Sort of reminds one of that old favourite - "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire".

What is heppening to the forums these days, I have read every last post on this story and not one person blamed Harper for this incident.
Other than that there are some people here with an absolute wickedly great sense of humor, thanks for making me laugh you all.

I think it's awesome that people actually blamed Harper :).

Do you ever get that creepy feeling?

2009-01-19T22:24:00.001-08:00

So sometimes I come across this person in my day to day life (at physio) who just gives me the heebeegeebees. Like full out creep factor. Maybe I watch too much Dexter. There's just this puke in the back of my throat, or terror or just flat out creep that comes into my inner and outer being.

I have nothing to substantiate the feeling. There's no evidence, perhaps just awkward passing. Or this...

There's nothing like walking into a small area and having someone opening their legs in the air. With this Mr. Bean-ish motion. In fact, every motion has this Mr. Bean look.

So if I don't make it home from physio some day??!!...

Life changing experiences

2009-01-19T17:57:00.001-08:00

Well, I have to pat Kat n Rob on the back. My two friends are soon returning to Canada from over a year in South Korea. Kat listed her top 10 life changing/altering moments. So in true "meme" fashion, I'll blog along.

I highly agree that even though we've encouraged them to live vicariously, we still will never smell the burning refuse or feel the hairy cheek of the elephant in the same context. But conversely in my small bubble of Saskatchewan I've lived my share of life experiences.

Here is my top 10:

1. Two natural child births. Amen to that.
2. Two HG pregnancies. Not crazy-bad HG, but nobody should live in a world of nausea, vomiting, or vertigo for months at a time.
3. Marriage, entertaining the thought of marriage, and finally finding someone who I would marry or want to spend my life with.
4. Volunteerism - I feel I've spent my fair share of time donating my body to worthy causes. I have to wonder how many children haven't drowned or how many people didn't leave the pool with a spinal injury because I spent the time outside of my job to get better at my job. And how many others have prevented because I've taught them right.
5. Finishing a degree in something. Three attempts at post-secondary and I yielded a walk across the stage for the paper.
6. Surviving single parenthood and spousal abuse. I got out alive!
7. Surviving the past ten years of family stress.
8. Buying a house and staying there for more than a year.
9. Nursing - I put this low on the list because I haven't had a fair amount of time doing it. But it's opened doors.
10. Seeing life from the humorous side - if I didn't have marked sarcasm, I wouldn't have much.

There is a number 11, 12, and 13. I'll say 13 is rock n' roll!

yup!

2009-01-17T19:52:00.001-08:00

toothpastefordinner.com

It's Saturday, and I'm in my footed pyjamas.

2009-01-17T08:25:00.000-08:00

Screw you good weather. My living room seriously needs to be moved around. I'm really sick of exposed electrical cords and of the dogs sitting on the couch barking/harassing the neighborhood. I want to change the feng shui. Which I know NOTHING about.

Also, I've started a facebook group for curved shower rods.

Tai thinks I do nothing all day but play computer.....

2009-01-15T11:32:00.000-08:00

So I have to wonder if it's true.

I'm a great procrastinator. But I'm also good at nak, or nursing at the keyboard.

Breast feeding is exhausting. So what if the supper isn't piping hot on the stove every night? Our schedules are so erratic. I'm exercising six hours per week, eating okay (but not great), trying to rest at night. I find mall walking to be exhausting, but it's nice to wander through Walmart once in a while and zone out. I think we do okay, I just have issue with bending a great deal beyond baby. So laundry and gross motor activities are hard.

So hopefully Tai reads this blog when she's a young mother ;). Then and only then will she understand.

The weather outside is frightful

2009-01-13T12:25:00.000-08:00

Brrrrrrr. This sucks. I wanna follow Jackie to Jamaica, maybe I'll stow away in her luggage and lop my boobs off so Kayah can survive. Or maybe I can convince Jeremy to lactate?

Tonight I have my first doula client meeting. I'm rather excited, I really now only need to find a good back up to work with and then I can start providing some birthing services. I've got my blog up, www.birthingutopia.blogspot.com for my clients. It's in the beginning stages though, still many more forms and formatting to continue working on.

Still looking into the whole return-to-work thing too. I'm not too sure what I want to do yet, although I know it may be with moms/babies or it may be back on 'ole psychiatry. I just am not looking forward to pursuing a job PERIOD. I would love to stay at home, or have Jeremy stay at home or something. But we'll see. I mean, I wouldn't want Jeremy to inherit my dishpan hands or puke-stained aprons.

Like I do housework, ha ha ha. (that's a joke, I DO some housework, between breast feeding and procrastinating).

Kayah was up doing the boogaloo last night until 2 am. Figures, I have a half glass of Coke during her "crib nap" and look what happens.

I....Love/Hate....Winnipeg

2009-01-12T08:22:00.000-08:00

If you're into Twitter, feel free to read my Twitting from this weekend (should be on the right hand side of the blog). We obviously traveled to Winnipeg to see Holly, Blaine, and Markus Domesticus.

I should start with the reasons I love Winnipeg. Our friends are awesome! In a perfect world, I would have been friends with Holly from elementary school and upwards. Put my friend Matt in there, and I think the three of us would have quite regularly sat around and joked about life and the likes and occasionally pissed ourselves from laughing so hard. Seriously, people, Holly and Matt could make me snort milk, food, and anything else in my mouth at the time up my nose.

Beyond making me choke on foods, our friends are just plain great to us. It made the trip what it was. I think Kayah stunned Blaine a bit, but I maintain that she just needed another few hours to get up the courage to grab his nose and say hello. Sometimes she's gotta finger print up your glasses and piss on your lap before things are cool, ya know?

We had lots of fun with Mark. You can always count on learning a little bit (or a lot) about the city you're in. Which is completely awesome. I wish I could tell people more about Regina and it's sordid past, although at the moment I can't say much except for that it smells like shit in my neighborhood. But that's also part of living next door to a garbage burner.

We did the Manitoba Museum on Saturday. I have to say there were a few "running themes", mainly that touching anything meant that it would turn to dust, and also that HEAVEN FOR BID YOU LEAVE THE GALLERY FOR A DRINK AND THEN CAN'T TAKE THE DRINK BACK IN TO THE GALLERY. Also, the security guard wouldn't accept my debit receipt for paying for our admission. So I had to call Jeremy, who was a few minutes into the tour, to run back with the ticket stub. So, here is my strongly worded letter to the MM:

Dear people at the Manitoba Museum:

This Saturday we took our family to see your wonderful Museum. We did the gallery tour and skipped the shitty Planetarium and Science Center. I must say, your exhibits are poorly maintained and starting to disintegrate. Especially those ropes on the NonSuch, I mean if they are going to turn to dust whenever you touch them, that's pretty bad. Also, what the fuck were you thinking building around a boat and caves? Crazy.

Anyway, your security guard working would not allow me to take my drink into the exhibit. Normally I'd be respectful of this, I mean I KNOW how difficult it can be to take Sprite stains off of carpet. Also, I apologize for wronging you by bringing my milk-filled breasts into the museum. I imagine breast milk is going to be extremely hard to remove from the dust-turned ropes of the NonSuch.

When the time comes and we eventually return to the MM, I will most certainly remember to always keep my ticket stub on person. I had no idea how much that inconvenienced you to have to actually hire security guards that THINK.

Yours truly and quite sarcastically,

Rhonda YP.

ps. Sorry about all of that breast milk I sprayed all over everything. I forgot to declare MY BOOBS to the security guard.

----------------

I had fun at the museum, don't get me wrong. But I had a really, really difficult time leaving the rod.

I'd like to graciously thank Hampton Inn and Suites for providing me with this curved shower rod. I think it may have changed my life. Seriously. For the better.

Another reason I love Winnipeg is because of Cora/Corey. Not only did this restaurant hand out FUDGE as you walked in (and seriously, the worlds greatest FUDGE I've ever had), it also cut my fruit into interesting shapes and put everything into crepes! It was great.

Now for the reasons I hate Winnipeg:

All of these wonderful people and things to do are SIX HOURS AWAY. Seven if you count the time spent breast feeding the baby in various parking lots and restaurants. I also hate that there are creepy and pervy men who have to pray on breast feeding mom's in McDonalds play land. Fuck. I mean seriously, if you want to gawk at my milk-filled giant nipple titty, then you've got problems. I still can't believe my husband admires my new "fun bags" let alone 300 lb men. I should have asked him to show me his NAMBLA membership (per Jeremy) and then reported him to Brandon social services. Ick.

I also do not like driving around confusing intersections.

But really, the most thing I hate about Winnipeg is that I want to live there almost more than anywhere else in Canada. I just can't move right now :(.

Day #3 - nursery make over

2009-01-07T06:41:00.000-08:00

So I took some initiative at 11:00 at night and worked on Kayah's nursery a bit. I just moved some things around so I could put the rocking chair in there. I changed the ambiance, brought my laptop in, and started rocking my baby in a nice orange warm glow.

My baby literally laughed at me and squirmed her way out of my arms into her daddy's arms. We decided she wasn't ready for bed yet and had a snack, watched some tv, etc. Then daddy tried his magic, I'm assuming that the hair on his chest creates some sort of vapor barrier I'm not aware of. Anyway, he rocked and sang and it was ME who fell asleep.

I awoke to a crying baby at 3am. Apparently she fell asleep around midnight and stayed in there for three hours. I don't know the cry-tally for last night, because I was sleeping while Jeremy sang Pink Floyd songs. But I will call last night a small success, because I got three solid hours of sleep that would have been spent holding a baby down with a fleshy tit in her mouth.

Now, to take the saucy 8 year old to school!

Green Goals for 2009

2009-01-06T19:07:00.000-08:00

New blog alert! Crunchy Domestic Goddess.

Somebody hold me accountable for this blog entry in 2010!

Rhonda's Green Goals for 2009

1. Cloth Diapering: So far we're looking into G Diapers. I'm going to put my current cloth diapers up on diaperpin.com because they are too small for Kayah's fat ass. Seriously. If that fails, I would like to purchase a few more clothees.

2. Grow some plants: I want them to stay alive for more than six months. And have it be more than aloe.

3. Recycling and composting: properly!!! Need I say more? Two weeks we've missed putting our recycling out, I take responsibility.

4. Eating green, organic, local.

5. Showering more instead of bathing: this one might take a while, stairs and my lower back currently dislike each other.

6. Using green dish shoap/laundry soaps/cleaning products: we're half way there, I'd gladly hook anybody up with Norwex products.

7. Recycling clothing into wearable fashions! I think I could have a creative bone somewhere in my body and figure out how to do this.

8. Making better transportation choices. If I can avoid driving, I want to do so!

9. Babywearing. Somehow I will make it a green choice! I think because I can't carry high-fat lattes in a cup holder like I can with the stroller.

10. Selling more used items instead of trashing them.

I want to be eight again

2009-01-06T16:40:00.000-08:00

So I can slap myself in the face and stop puberty in it's tracks. Or just take a dump load of lexapro and stop the delirium that's related to puberty.

I have a new theory about why kids start puberty. All of the sweetness and innocence starts to ooze out of their pores - ie. sweating, periods, zits, and FREAKING ATTITUDE.

Also, I think puberty is the reason for why each sentence must end with "ah"

"It's not mine..ah"
"I didn't do it...ah"
"Oh. My. God...........ah"

I'm seriously in for it with Tai. I'm hoping Kayah doesn't think we'll go lighter on her, or the two of them can have those conversations later in life about how mom went easier on the second child. I want both children to have the FEAR OF MOM ripping through their veins. Like I had, although I knew how to work my mom sometimes too.

Day number 2 - CRIBZ

2009-01-05T19:38:00.000-08:00

Well, 45 minutes of fussing and she's out in the crib. We're not leaving her there for the night, but definitely as long as she'll stay down and we're awake and willing to keep her down.

Sleep training is sort of disturbing and has some very black and white points of view. I'm into attachment parenting, which basically entails being physically close to your child and anticipating their needs. It's not rocket science, most mammals carry their children close by until they are ready to leave on their own. Before our society changed to this obsession with space and possessions the whole family would sleep in close quarters. Babies were also born at home... and conversely died more often from now preventable things. But co-sleeping death is rare and usually associated with parents who smoke cigarettes in bed (which we don't).

Kayah has been a wonderful sleeping partner most of the time. She has her fussy moments, but it sure is okay to just roll over and stick a boob her in mouth instead of getting up, heating a bottle, etc etc etc. I'm not saying that it's lazy on my side at all or that those parents who bottle feed are wrong. It's all pretty dependent on what kind of person you are and your circumstances. We travel a lot, so co-sleeping is very handy in that respect.

Anyway, I come from the mindset that babies should be close to their moms. My eight year old has never crawled into bed with us in the middle of the night. In fact, that stopped at a very early age considering that we shared a bed until Tai was three or so.

I don't think this is the end of our family bed, it's just a new beginning.

Ferber is not my friend

2009-01-04T19:09:00.000-08:00

I have a real problem is letting my baby cry. Co-sleeping is fine by me, although I'm not the one who's squeezed off of the bed.

Anyway, wish us luck. We're about to venture into sleep-training.

Six bags of SHIT

2009-01-03T14:43:00.000-08:00

Seriously, people. This is how many large garbage bags of junk, toys, paper, dried paints, old crayons, etc have now gone. Also, parts to one Bratz ice cream maker (sprinkles included) have been tossed. I'm hoping we didn't throw out too many Webkinz clothes, it's just so hard to tell the garbage from the salvageable items.

I'm passing on to my family members to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just spend time with my kids instead of buying them stuff that brings temporary gratification. Same goes for us! I am at my breaking point with all of the clutter in my life. As much of a packrat as I have been in my life time, I really don't want to encourage my girls to be the same.

HELLO ATLANTA, GA!

2009-01-02T21:35:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure who the reader is from Atlanta, I seem to remember my uncle living in Decatur. But anyways, I just thought I would shout out to this restaurant and their stuffed french toast. I still dream of "sweet cream cheese, raspberry drizzle, and powdered sugar". Also recommend the bacon and sweet tea, I really could go for some sweet tea about now.

Also dreaming about wearing shorts and summer clothing in the middle of April!

Hey mom, I did what you said I should prolly do tonight. I don't feel any better! But I sure did enjoy my nachos.

Holidaze are over

2009-01-02T10:31:00.000-08:00

Finally.

It's 2009 bitches!!!

2009-01-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

So it's time for holiday promises, 2009 edition!

WHAT I PLAN ON DOING THIS YEAR

- getting a job I actually like
- quitting smoking, for real, for real this time.
- getting a new guitar. I'm serious about this, folks... It will be a Simon and Patrick with a cutaway and a pick up
- painting the walls in my house. I'm hoping sooner/than later, but will most likely be done when we're finished our taxes and have the return in-hand
- getting a visit from the clutter-control fairies (moms and mom in law?)
- complete rehabilitation from my back injury. This shit is DONE. I won't live another year in pain.
- growing some awesome dread locks OR refining my hairstyle completely
- drinking more wine, especially white wine.
- next Christmas, I'm either hosting or getting the f out of town! I'd like to spend it in Jamrock. Owe. That's Jamaica for you squares out there.
- visit some far away family. Not sure who, but I'd like to see some people I haven't seen in a while.

WHAT I WILL (TRY) NOT TO DO IN 2009

- less aggression, more action.
- over-eating
- hallucinogens.
- disposable diapers. I need to get on this, like tomorrow.
- be so delinquent with my bills. Financial reform is on the way!
- be online so much. I wanna get some activity started. Back care yoga is first on my list.

That's about it. I rang in the new year at Jackie's, a low-energy but high-food affair ;). We ate, we drank, and were basically just chilled right out. Loved it! It was a good break from the usual hype. I sort of went into it wanting to have a party-party, but after having some food and wine I just felt like ultimate relaxation was in order.

My plans for today are as follows: Bailey's, coffee, eggs, bacon, toast, sausages, another round of dishes, an afternoon nap, some supper, and promptly followed by a MarioKart extravaganza, ONLINE. Anyone interested?

For those who love banana hammocks and crotchless panties...

2008-12-29T21:38:00.000-08:00

I created a facebook just for fun group. If you're not invited don't feel slighted, I just never know who I'm going to offend or piss off. But feel free to search for it and join, I'm sure we'll have some invigorating discussions about appropriate slang for these wonderful clothing items.

For the record, I didn't know what a banana hammock was until this past Christmas. Nothing like drinking a bunch of wine (I promise I took it very easy on the alcohol this holiday) and talking about sensual underwears with your father in law in the room. I suppose it would have been worse had my own father been in the room, ahemmmmm Michelle and Shanna (for the record though, ONLY because it's your family it's completely acceptable). Anyway, I can promise you that I didn't have a conversation nearly close to the sorts with my own dad. And I wouldn't change a thing about it!!!

Also, I played laser tag tonight and my cousin-in-laws kicked my fat ass. It's kind hard to run up and down ramps in Ugg-like boots (I also wouldn't recommend going on a tread mill with them on).

Anyway, back to doing what I do best - absolutely nothing!

Holiday hangover

2008-12-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was total hang over. I felt as though I had been drinking, but I think it was just all of the anxiety catching up to me. I just felt like doing nothing.

We made some red beans n rice for supper. It was DEEELIIISSSHHHHus. So filling, yet so satisfying and I managed to soak them long enough to take off the gaseous portion. They were really good beans, and very easy. Just spices and some salted pork, kidney beans and pinto beans all cooked up for a few hours. Served over some white and wild rice, with cucumber salad on the side.

Now it's just dishes, laundry, and time to visit some family and friends!

And laundry, and cleaning. Then some more laundry.

Also my brother is still here. I started smoking a little bit. I need to figure out a battle plan for dealing with peer pressure! If tobacco isn't around, I seem to do pretty good. If I know it's around, I'll beat my own mother to perdition to smoke it! Time to read some more books again, although I'm thinking I might talk to Wanda Mang (Micah's mom) and see if she can hypnotize me. I've heard mixed things about hypnosis, but it might just work.

Here is a little snippet of my "new hair".

So, New Years is coming up (and my birthday!). I'm edging closer to 30. Yesterday I was reflecting on my 20's and thinking about how much I've done in those ten years. I made myself think about when I wanted to get married and have kids - at one point I said I was thinking about having a life set by the time I finished nursing school. As that dead line approached I let it go (ha ha, like I had a choice). I just knew I wanted to settle down and have some stability. Maybe even babies, because by the time Tai was six I sort of forgot how crappy it was to be pregnant.

Anyway, here is the end of the circle. I got Jeremy to put my dreads back in. As with the first time, it was another decision made in haste. All I've wanted since I cut my dreads off was to put them back in again. But don't be fooled, reading public... if they don't work out, I'm planning on taking them out and going with a pixie type of short hair for a little while. Also, I'm going to do it "right" and raise some funds for each dread cut off. So if you really, really hate my dreads then save your pennies and I'll cut them off.

Cheers, let me know if you have New Years plans cuz we're sort of making plans but not really!

Looking a gift horse in the mouth

2008-12-27T09:09:00.000-08:00

I have had a pretty wonderful week, I can't complain (much). My little brother arrived on Sunday night/Monday morning at 1:00 am and it's been the "holidaze" since then. I'm really happy to see him, although I wish he would lay off the chronic boozing. But that's my brother. If you were coming home to a dysfunctional family, I suppose you'd be stressed out too. We all have family oddities and strife and stress, I guess my family story has been particularly bizzare for the past ten years or so.

We had a wonderful break in Swift Current. I'd say our booty was very plentiful! The food was great, had a good visit with the hubby's siblings and parents. I know what a banana hammock is now. Also, talking about crotchless underwear with your hubby's family is ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS. We had a great time playing board games.

Also, we all donated our pocket change to charity this Christmas. Our family won (of course, Jeremy has pockets full of change every day) with around $70 worth of pocket lint/change! Add it to the other $30 or so and we've got a sizeable donation to something. We're still talking about which charity, but I'm thinking Stollery Children's Hospital in Edmonton (we know of two babies who will be getting heart surgery there this year)and something in our neighborhood.

I feel so fortunate to have what we have this year. I always blog about my shitty family shit, but I need to mention how awesome my supportive family members are. For all of the negative things I can blog about, there are at least twice that in wonderful family members. Aunty Gail is awesome. My grandma's, bless their past lives, are so good to us. Shanna is the sister I never had (bless her, even though she likes Stephen Harper and the right-wing). Any woman who has four children deserves a golden and milk/honey filled bathtub (I mean this in the best way possible Laura). My mom has been my right-hand and left-hand for the past ten years. My daughter, Tai, deserves the best big sister award. My messy husband came to me one day and just turned my life around (and taught me that there are no rules for living). My baby, a blessing...she had to endure me taking medications that could have had some detrimental side effects, and here she is HEALTHY, FAT, THRIVING, and NORMAL.

There isn't much to complain about. My step mom didn't feel it was worth signing her name to the baby gift, and we got the FUGLIEST baby outfit she could have possibly picked out. Way to keep up appearances, HELGA. Seriously, if you can host millionaire's for supper but can't pick out something from Winners? COME ON, GIVE ME A BREAK. By the way, I prayed for your health and for you to see your unborn grand child. I'm not retracting my prayer, but I still think you are an ASSHOLE.

There. I feel better. Yes, I fueled the fire, but in the end I WIN. My family is happy, healthy (for the most part) and we love each other. We will survive.

Here is a picture of the fugly outfit.

It will fit the baby, right now. So I'm supposed to put my baby into an outfit in the middle of the winter that is for a summer baby. Seriously.

Full Circle.

2008-12-21T16:24:00.001-08:00

You'll see, later tonight/tomorrow :)

It's Sunday, time for some random thoughts.

2008-12-21T13:36:00.000-08:00

- I hate laundry. Hate folding, hate putting away. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new washer/dryer. If all I had to do was load the fucking things I think my life would be a helluva lot better.
- The strangeness of wanting more babies continues to bug me, I don't know why but I do know that it won't happen anytime soon.
- Tai's other mom had a miscarriage.
- My husband tempts fate far too much while the baby is sleeping.
- I drank coffee and therefore my napping ability has been pooched. So up at 0100 to pick up my brother...will be hilariously fun! I hope I can see the road between the toothpicks.
- My anxiety level is pretty minimal today. I'm going to try the whole accepting things I can't change on for size.
- I may not be able to accept these things, so I'll continue to blog about them and bitch about them to my husband and girlfriends.
- There will, come a day, when Rhonda Lee will EXPLODE. I don't know when. Don't know where. I think the important question is WHO.
- I'm excited to see my brother, and apprehensive at the same time.
- I'm going to join my husband in the bedroom. Not for sex. Just to join him.

Tai wants to blog!

2008-12-20T13:40:00.000-08:00

The following is written by Tai Lin Young.

My name is tai for short. and my mom's name. is Rhonda young.

Taking a giant dump on holiday stress

2008-12-20T11:11:00.000-08:00

That's right, this is a flaming shit post for my hated holiday stress.

Flaming bags of dog poop go out to:

-Helga and her associates
-The weather
-Bill Gates and Windows Vista programmers
-The big 3 for their 16 Billion dollar party
-Hyperemesis (not the people who have it, but to the dreaded condition in pg)
-Colic, teething, and poor dental hygeine
-Anti-depressants - if you aren't causing side effects you're promising the too-good-to-be-true bliss ... (no, I'm not on anti-depressant medication YET. I'm going to hold out and keep on trucking with my passive/agressive coping mechanisms)
-Arthritis. You can bite me.
-Unwanted family foibles. Sticks and stones can break my bones BUT I can still hurl dog shit.
-Death. Death of babies particularly. One of our HG'lets passed away from hypoplastic heart syndrome. Very, very sad. I'll be making a donation to Stollery Childrens Hospital in Edmonton in baby Linnea's memory.
-Shopaholics Anon. Its my party and I'll shop if I want to.

18 babies.

2008-12-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

The Duggars just had their 18th baby. I'm pretty convinced they are clinically insane, or have been blessed with awesome pregnancies and lots of babies. Their new house is pretty cool, 7000 sq feet. They don't have much for personal belongings, many things are shared (except for toothbrushes and underwear I'm guessing). They have a dressing room where all of their laundry is, and four washers/dryers. Wow.

It doesn't sound like there is much support from the extended family. The mom was saying she has a helper come in to do laundry and that's about it. The kids do a lot of the work, the parents are in control of making money, organizing, running their home school, and having relations. Also, of course, infant care.

Crazy.

Don'tcha put it in your mouth! Also, please don't use wrapping paper this holiday season.

2008-12-17T12:24:00.000-08:00

Tai would like to announce that she had two teeth pulled this morning. She's doing okay, but in a lot of pain and I'm sure she's got the same hatred for dentists screaming through her veins right now as I have. Seriously, kids, brush your teeth! Every day! Do a superb job for at least two minutes, then floss.

I'm also blessed with a teething baby right now, my jaw is hurting from sympathy pains for my girls. Poor kids, but how I got blessed with teething and tooth extraction all in one day is beyond me. Needless to say, it was DQ for a milk shake and flame throwers for lunch. I felt like a royal teet - going to DQ and getting ice cream when it's -35 in the car! I had mitts on while I was holding the milk shake. Poor Tai's mouth was frozen on one side, so of course the cold liquid dripped out of her droopy side.

Not much else to report, other than I watched on the news last night that over 900,000 pounds of garbage will be thrown away on Christmas Day in Regina, which is double the normal amount. FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND PLANET - please don't use wrapping paper! I do not want to unwrap gifts. I'm not wrapping anything for my family. I will just be passing things out of a huge Christmas sack from now on.

Seriously, find an alternative to wrapping paper. Recycle news paper, or just hide things behind your back. Recycle your wrapping paper if you can, if not get a cloth bag to put the gift in - then people can re-use it! My hubby is wrapping my gift in a large towel.

Thank you and good night!

Is this an excessive time of year?

2008-12-16T12:38:00.000-08:00

As I was contorting myself at physio today, Martha Stewart came onto the TV and started blah blahing about cutting down the perfect Christmas tree, decorating the perfect wreath, and just how perfect Christmas would be if you did things her way. My inner dialogue was going something like this:

"Owe, owe. Who drives their SUV with three 'tree handlers' to a tree farm anyway? Owe. Her tree has like three white LED lights on it, don't you think it was a little EXCESSIVE to drive miles and miles to cut down a tree and then drive some more miles to the LED light store to find the smallest string of lights possible, THEN throw out all of your decorations from years past because it's not 'new and exciting'? Owe. Look at those Christmas chocolates over there. Now stop looking at those, you're working out. Anyway, Martha Stewart GRRRRRRRR"

This morning Jeremy and I were talking about what we've spent on each other, and of course I've spent more (but I've also been blessed with a shopping addiction, now also an online shopping addiction). I've made it a point to buy things that we've wanted or needed and have been unable to find here in Regina. Except for the chocolate treats for the stockings, and perhaps a few other little trinkets. But I keep seeing things and thinking "I should get that for Jeremy, why not add it to the pile?" Or for Tai or for Kayah.

Kayah's stocking is going like this, so far: socks, containers for diaper bag treats/storage, and a new sippy cup/feeding dish OR a new bottle. Also some Mum Mum rice cookies. I want to make home made teething biscuits this week for her and then put some treats in each of her storage containers for when we're out and about. Also maybe one new teething toy. I think those are all acceptable things for a stocking. Tai's has a bunch of Spongebob pencils, sharpeners, pens, socks, crayons, etc, some hair ties, hair accessories, and some chocolate (and a Spongebob toothbrush). I mean seriously, I spent $170 on paint and supplies for her room and haven't even bought the curtains yet so she's getting a pretty good gift this year! I won't list Jeremy's contents, because I honestly don't have anything in his "stocking" yet other than some chocolate.

I digress. Was conversing with some people about this time of year at physio as well and how excessive people get when it comes to food, drink, and money/big purchases. Even though we're apparently in an economic down-slide, I still can't get a good parking spot at the mall.

People were SO GRUMPY in the line at the post office today, despite all three tills running and cashiers moving as fast as they could. The cashier was apologizing profusely to me for missing one Christmas letter. You could hear people huffing, yet the wait was no longer than two to three minutes. The stress was thick enough to cut a knife with. Everyone wanted their excessively perfect service and instant gratification. Again, I waited for twenty minutes at the Shoppers till in the same store and these non-purchasing customers each had their arms and baskets loaded with stuff.

Sigh...

greetings!

2008-12-14T16:36:00.001-08:00

Tai-isms part II

2008-12-14T11:01:00.000-08:00

We're discussing "prohibition" of the internet and how we want Tai to stay in the living room and be online rather than in her room. I use the example of "if we were to buy beer for Tai and her friends, we'd want them drinking it while we're supervising as opposed to sending them downstairs and letting them get into trouble.

Tai's response:

"I'm going to come upstairs, steal a beer, and then go and drink it while you think I'm sleeping."

Jeremy's response:

"I don't think you'll like it very much."

SO this begs the question - is it time to lock up the booze?

Also, the internet is going to remain in the living room while we're present. Especially since Tai uses google for all of her "search" needs.

yep!

2008-12-13T18:07:00.001-08:00

You Are Dancer

Carefree and fun, you always find reasons to do a happy dance.

Why You're Naughty: That dark stint you had as Santa's private dancer.

Why You're Nice: You're friendly. Very friendly.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Your Cupcake Says You Are Your Own Biggest Fan

At parties, you tend to be a lot of fun. You make everyone just a little bit happier.

You have absolutely no restraint in your life. You live life with reckless abandon.

The most important thing in your life is love.

You are dominant, vain, and a bit of a show off. To know you is to worship you.

The Cupcake Test

You Are an Impulse Shopper

When you go shopping, you have no set strategy. You just browse until something catches your eye.

You like sales, but you mostly like them because they're an excuse to shop.

Of all the types, you are the most likely to be a shopaholic. You can't stop shopping!

You're not the kind of person who makes a list or plans what to buy. So sometimes you end up with too much stuff.

What Kind of Shopper Are You?

You Are 50% Likely to Survive Another Great Depression

Even though you may not be expecting the worst, you're the type of person who prepares for the worst.

You live a relatively modest life. You don't overspend, and you aren't very materialistic.

You are also quite self sufficient and independent. You have many useful skills.

You can take care of yourself and those you love... which is crucial to surviving another Great Depression.

Could You Survive Another Great Depression?

Shaken, not stirred.

2008-12-12T21:23:00.000-08:00

We went to see the new J Bond movie tonight. It was okay, I mean it was worth $40 in non-buttery old tasting popcorn, sticky floor, and gratuitous violence.

The violence is what bothered me. I'm not particularly fond of watching increasing movie violence. I find it's so normalized. How many kids this Halloween did I see dressed as the Joker from the Dark Knight movie, and frankly I think that movie was FAR TOO violent for some grown adults (let alone eight-nine year old boys!).

There was no titty scenes or super cheese love making, I kind of expected M to get it on with some old guy. Kind of strange.

But it met the requirements of any good man-movie: scantily dressed uber skinny women, drinking in crystal glasses, guns, blood, the "impossible" chase scenes, driving cars far longer than they should without exploding, then exploding things that wouldn't explode, and of course sexual tension.

We pre-empted our Winnipeg trip. The weather looked nasty for all three days, including a dip to -28 with a windchill in the -48 range. Ugh. I'm thinking of not going anywhere tomorrow or Sunday, seeing as I really don't have to. I could do some baking, some knitting, crocheting, and possibly some tea-drinking?

Anyways, seeing as the last two movies I've seen have been man-flicks with horrid violence, I'm thinking I need a good 'ole comedy or a chick-flick or some kind.

I played the Exchange

2008-12-10T19:26:00.000-08:00

And we flopped. Boy forgot the words to the song he finished writing today.

It was okay, considering we played along with two guitarists who commonly play the liquor store. It could have been worse, seriously.

So my synopsis on the night is this:

1. I forgot to Calgon-take-me-away before going, so I was super nervous. I should have brought some grapefruit essential oil to sniff for some clarification.

2. I was pacing, a lot, before the set. We were first up. Which is okay. Got the lead out a little too quickly.

3. Beer before hand was a wise choice. That I will definitely do again.

4. There were A LOT of people there. I had expected like twenty or so - and there were maybe double or triple.

5. Jeremy improvs the lyrics ALL OF THE TIME at home, so of course when he got through the song you could tell he didn't know the words...and then he improved.

6. I had an inner giggle going on because my husband has written a song that has a lot of inside jokes/personal stories.

Yeah, I even signed the wall at the Exchange. I can say I've played there. A notch in the bedpost. I popped my rock CHERRY. Cuz I've played in front of people many times, only it was in high school and I was playing a clarinet in a concert band. If I had to fake it, I could, because there were eight other people playing the same instrument.

Anyway, back to the drawing board. We're going to start hitting up open mic's.