That's all I want to know. I want to know when I can, you know - go for a haircut, take an extra ten minutes in a fucking bath and not look so blotchy and identify my day by tantrums and the amount of milestones reached. I want to know when the time is that I can be free to come and go and have a goal in my life that is completely outside of my kids. When does my fucking lack of sleep ever get to matter or be important to someone. I want to know when I will feel like I have more than one person who may be related to me won't be an absolute flake and be quite possibly more inconvenient.
I want to know why someone who would knowingly marry you, have children but have no emotional attachment to them when they have their greatest physical need. Who doesn't stand in a room during a child's night terror and scream at the top of their lungs how it's fucking inconvenient of them to not be sleeping.
I want to know why it is so much to ask for a partner in life. I don't love my home. It's a fucking piece of shit mess that nobody in it cares about. There are no plans for a family fucking
Vacation but there sure are plans for everyone else to be entertained. I want to know when I will be able to have friends, not just the kind that feel sorry for me. The kind I can actually leave the house for more than an hour to see, the kind where our kids play and we hang out.
Right now I feel like there are two people who ever benefit from me even being alive. Seriously alive. Everyone else can wipe their own asses. I pour so much energy into sustaining my two little kids and barely enough to pour coffee down my throat. My fun time is the five minutes I get to have a smoke, the one bath a week I take without having to worry about everyone else's needs.
Yes I am resentful. I feel completely justified and drained. And if I
Complain about it I'm just a huge bitch who is probably depressed and psychotic and blah blah blah. Nobody else ever gets to be held truly accountable for hurting me and not ever being fully committed. Yet I throw myself behind a cause or something like sleeping with and feeding my own babies... And it's all fucking wrong. When and who holds women up when they are dealing with this? I don't want girlfriends and family anyway. All I have ever wanted was a husband and partner in life, a lovely family. And the foundation made was supposed to flow from there.
I just want to know when it will happen for me. When does the good feeling come in all of this. It sounds like a first world problem. "feeling good" sounds like an awful lot to ask for. I should be happy I have anything in life.
Some days I would rather have none of it, my kids, and just be free of it all. What is the point of conforming to some white-girl parade of kids house car career.... I can teach my kids how to navigate through the real shitty shit and survive it. I don't use my university education, but I sure do use my ability to talk to people and feel capable of love and support. I can give hugs and wipe tears.
I'm sick. Of being shit on by life.
November 26, 2011
February 17, 2010
Office Culture
Well, two days into my new job, 48 hours later, and I'm confused.
I just came from a three hour inservice about respect. Just a few data points I'm noticing:
- the boomers feel threatened by some of us, or all of us, or by each other and apparently are down right rude
- the materials for teaching use our generation as examples/actors of disrespect in the work place
- stress in the work place is growing by the minute, the amount of actual "work" varies
- people sit, a lot, and get paid by HR to make things interesting. In actuality, they are even more tedious/boring and still don't capture the true essence
- there are real, true, live, horrific activities taking place in the workplace and little meetings here and slide shows there are not truly helping the problem!
Ach.
Just some observations. So far, my chair at my cubicle is ugly and purple, the OH and S person I talked to this morning looked a little stressed (which scares me, but I think they need a nurse there), and we get fed *a lot*.
After doing so many orientations recently, I have a pretty mixed feeling about going through more change.
Sigh.
But I do kinda enjoy being home in the evenings. Kind of. If I wasn't in pain it would be better.
I just came from a three hour inservice about respect. Just a few data points I'm noticing:
- the boomers feel threatened by some of us, or all of us, or by each other and apparently are down right rude
- the materials for teaching use our generation as examples/actors of disrespect in the work place
- stress in the work place is growing by the minute, the amount of actual "work" varies
- people sit, a lot, and get paid by HR to make things interesting. In actuality, they are even more tedious/boring and still don't capture the true essence
- there are real, true, live, horrific activities taking place in the workplace and little meetings here and slide shows there are not truly helping the problem!
Ach.
Just some observations. So far, my chair at my cubicle is ugly and purple, the OH and S person I talked to this morning looked a little stressed (which scares me, but I think they need a nurse there), and we get fed *a lot*.
After doing so many orientations recently, I have a pretty mixed feeling about going through more change.
Sigh.
But I do kinda enjoy being home in the evenings. Kind of. If I wasn't in pain it would be better.
January 16, 2010
A Fresh Start.
I changed the background, and figured that it was time to announce that it's now 2010, and my year is about to make a drastic change...
From a clinical nurse, to a desk-sitting government employee. But it will free up more time to volunteer and do random stuffs.
Here are my highlights of working with donors:
1. Watching people have no clue where a temperature gauge goes.
2. When you ask people for their "full name and birth date" they say their home address.
3. The shades of the cheeks when you ask men: "Have you ever had sex with another man?"
4. When they say they really like our new uniforms.
5. Talking with Hutterites.
6. When donors tell us they get poked three to four times. We're only allowed to poke the two arms they get once.
7. When people ask for a registered nurse, and they get me... the only staff member working on phlebotomy training.
8. The happy fainting man.
9. I avoided getting puked on, so far.
10. Donors who *insist* they ate enough and drank enough.
11. A cold cloth apparently being the most important thing to bring someone back after a faint.
12. Nurses running each other down to start needles.
13. Unplugging the shakers before people are finished donating....will get you killed.
14. I will miss mobiles. I thought the actual work part sucked, but shopping, eating, chilling on the bus wasn't that bad.
15. Dr Hibert from the Simpsons in female form.
16. Principal Skinner's real life doppleganger. This man would say his NO answers louder each time with a monotone kinda ring.
17. The jokes... the double meaning of "poking people". Asking people if "it's okay that I poke you".
18. The SOP's, the BS, and the COPS.
19. I've never tried the peach/sprite donor cocktail, but I've gotten fizzies up the nose from it.
20. A thousand-ish donors showing up five minutes after the clinic is closed, half of them being new and the other half just assuming we never close (which, really, we shouldn't).
I bid adeiu to my job in three weeks or so. I will miss the clinical nature of my job, I will miss working with healthy (mostly) people. I will miss working with some extreme type-A nurses. I will miss the over nights, even though I never sleep and feel worn out for weeks after from two days of work.
But I am looking forward to a few things!
From a clinical nurse, to a desk-sitting government employee. But it will free up more time to volunteer and do random stuffs.
Here are my highlights of working with donors:
1. Watching people have no clue where a temperature gauge goes.
2. When you ask people for their "full name and birth date" they say their home address.
3. The shades of the cheeks when you ask men: "Have you ever had sex with another man?"
4. When they say they really like our new uniforms.
5. Talking with Hutterites.
6. When donors tell us they get poked three to four times. We're only allowed to poke the two arms they get once.
7. When people ask for a registered nurse, and they get me... the only staff member working on phlebotomy training.
8. The happy fainting man.
9. I avoided getting puked on, so far.
10. Donors who *insist* they ate enough and drank enough.
11. A cold cloth apparently being the most important thing to bring someone back after a faint.
12. Nurses running each other down to start needles.
13. Unplugging the shakers before people are finished donating....will get you killed.
14. I will miss mobiles. I thought the actual work part sucked, but shopping, eating, chilling on the bus wasn't that bad.
15. Dr Hibert from the Simpsons in female form.
16. Principal Skinner's real life doppleganger. This man would say his NO answers louder each time with a monotone kinda ring.
17. The jokes... the double meaning of "poking people". Asking people if "it's okay that I poke you".
18. The SOP's, the BS, and the COPS.
19. I've never tried the peach/sprite donor cocktail, but I've gotten fizzies up the nose from it.
20. A thousand-ish donors showing up five minutes after the clinic is closed, half of them being new and the other half just assuming we never close (which, really, we shouldn't).
I bid adeiu to my job in three weeks or so. I will miss the clinical nature of my job, I will miss working with healthy (mostly) people. I will miss working with some extreme type-A nurses. I will miss the over nights, even though I never sleep and feel worn out for weeks after from two days of work.
But I am looking forward to a few things!
December 03, 2009
Is thinking about birth.
In a different context. I don't want to give birth at the moment, but I really want to put it into perspective. Where do my allegiances lie (my utterly honest, brutal, but unbridled) and where does my actual reality live?
Gotta make a choice, one of these days, because I'm getting really, really frustrated with myself for not making a whole hearted effort to make a final decision.
It has to be made soon, more or less before I decide to just leave the whole mess behind and start afresh.
If you've known me for a while, you know that I have phases of interest that wax and wane. I find that the busier I am, the happier I am. So it was very, very difficult to go through a physical injury a few years back and then follow it closely with a high risk pregnancy. The two mixed and there I found myself in a pretty fucked up dark place.
But I think about my stress level of late and even though I'm happily busy, I'm heading back into that sucky-ass vortex of negativity. It's been hard to stay positive since about September of this year - maybe the changing seasons, or the usual refluxing of family issues are the cause. I feel like there's this giant monkey on my back to be a certain person in order to maintain face with my valued organizations I'm involved in.
How do I honestly feel about being a parent who smokes on occasion, drinks on even less occasions, and uses icky disposable diapers on occasion? Then belong to natural parenting groups. Then work as a nurse and feel obligated to be a strong promoter of health promotion. Then work in the field of primary prevention as a volunteer with the LSS? You know, I can't be perfect all of the time - nobody can be. I'll take it on the chin, I'm proud to be a loving parent of my two girls. I'm proud of my past indiscretions because I've learned from them and was able to get past it. I'm extremely proud to work as a healer with a wide range of experiences to draw from. My life has been pretty high and low at different points. I feel like I have a lot to offer the world by not limiting myself to the gamut of possibilities.
So in terms of birth - I feel equally as satisfied being around the c-section and the primal-screaming-bush birth. I feel like I would support a woman, no matter her choices, and inevitably be able to not pass judgment on anyone. Sometimes I have my hang ups about people, but push coming to shove there are VERY few people in this world who I would deny care. Even then, I don't think I would deny someone of life.
I've really got to make some headway into a decision about all of this. In the end, my big deal is providing women with care at no cost except for karma and good energy. I'd like to be able to step out of my yurt, welcome a young woman in, help her birth and be part of the community to support her and her children for many many years. I really do crave that communal setting, where money isn't an issue but neither is safety and security. Where women can equally share in survival and support and not have to leave their families to provide it. Somewhere that clocks really don't exist, or calendars. But I don't want it to be weird either.
That's a huge and tall order, but utopia for me is all of those things plus a nice warm beach. Maybe a few horses, and we're set. How can I do that though? What will my journey include? In a sense, I'm glad that I took nursing for this journey. I'll be able to have a perspective that may give me an edge or an in.
Anyway, that's what kind of birth I am thinking about. A birth to a new life would be great, but I need to make this current life work for me too. That dream could change at the snap of a finger too - maybe tomorrow I'll want to be surfing on the west coast with some wicked cool bro's and ho's.
Gotta make a choice, one of these days, because I'm getting really, really frustrated with myself for not making a whole hearted effort to make a final decision.
It has to be made soon, more or less before I decide to just leave the whole mess behind and start afresh.
If you've known me for a while, you know that I have phases of interest that wax and wane. I find that the busier I am, the happier I am. So it was very, very difficult to go through a physical injury a few years back and then follow it closely with a high risk pregnancy. The two mixed and there I found myself in a pretty fucked up dark place.
But I think about my stress level of late and even though I'm happily busy, I'm heading back into that sucky-ass vortex of negativity. It's been hard to stay positive since about September of this year - maybe the changing seasons, or the usual refluxing of family issues are the cause. I feel like there's this giant monkey on my back to be a certain person in order to maintain face with my valued organizations I'm involved in.
How do I honestly feel about being a parent who smokes on occasion, drinks on even less occasions, and uses icky disposable diapers on occasion? Then belong to natural parenting groups. Then work as a nurse and feel obligated to be a strong promoter of health promotion. Then work in the field of primary prevention as a volunteer with the LSS? You know, I can't be perfect all of the time - nobody can be. I'll take it on the chin, I'm proud to be a loving parent of my two girls. I'm proud of my past indiscretions because I've learned from them and was able to get past it. I'm extremely proud to work as a healer with a wide range of experiences to draw from. My life has been pretty high and low at different points. I feel like I have a lot to offer the world by not limiting myself to the gamut of possibilities.
So in terms of birth - I feel equally as satisfied being around the c-section and the primal-screaming-bush birth. I feel like I would support a woman, no matter her choices, and inevitably be able to not pass judgment on anyone. Sometimes I have my hang ups about people, but push coming to shove there are VERY few people in this world who I would deny care. Even then, I don't think I would deny someone of life.
I've really got to make some headway into a decision about all of this. In the end, my big deal is providing women with care at no cost except for karma and good energy. I'd like to be able to step out of my yurt, welcome a young woman in, help her birth and be part of the community to support her and her children for many many years. I really do crave that communal setting, where money isn't an issue but neither is safety and security. Where women can equally share in survival and support and not have to leave their families to provide it. Somewhere that clocks really don't exist, or calendars. But I don't want it to be weird either.
That's a huge and tall order, but utopia for me is all of those things plus a nice warm beach. Maybe a few horses, and we're set. How can I do that though? What will my journey include? In a sense, I'm glad that I took nursing for this journey. I'll be able to have a perspective that may give me an edge or an in.
Anyway, that's what kind of birth I am thinking about. A birth to a new life would be great, but I need to make this current life work for me too. That dream could change at the snap of a finger too - maybe tomorrow I'll want to be surfing on the west coast with some wicked cool bro's and ho's.
November 28, 2009
Random Goodness
The month of November is rapidly ending, and I have a few FAQ-U's to say to this month:
1. Changing child care providers, FAKING sucks.
2. Picking and choosing which bills are going to collection to pay off first, FECK that's horrible.
3. Contemplating canceling the holidays - meh. I've been wanting to do that for a while.
4. F__K I hate the weather changing and the dark days/nights.
5. Being married is hard work (glad I did it, and I'm not alone on these cold/dark nights).
6. Frig, my dog needs to get his nuts chopped off.
7. Fudge, I have the H1N1 bull shit that this month has been. I just wanna celebrate health and promote it, not have to make these heavy health choices.
8. F*c* the economy here, the gravy train is over and the potash riches (which never were) are rapidly leaving the education system. Sorry kids, no school for you!
9. Faq-u to looking for work.
10. FML.
Other than that, I think that a Rider win on Sunday could make my November FACKING awesome!
Along with the bad, should come some good I suppose:
- I got a job!
- Met a new friend this month.
- I celebrate each day that I don't think I'm pregnant :)
- I think that with the holidays coming... maybe there will be some fun family moments.
- Made some cookies this month, a few times!
- Football was good this month!
- I got an award from the Lieutenant Govenor
And...
- I tried banana ketchup this month.
- Got to go to Melville and do a clinic.
- Did phlebotomy with my winter coat on!
- Kissed Jeremy, like twice or something.
So, that is about it for this month. Hoping December is better!!
1. Changing child care providers, FAKING sucks.
2. Picking and choosing which bills are going to collection to pay off first, FECK that's horrible.
3. Contemplating canceling the holidays - meh. I've been wanting to do that for a while.
4. F__K I hate the weather changing and the dark days/nights.
5. Being married is hard work (glad I did it, and I'm not alone on these cold/dark nights).
6. Frig, my dog needs to get his nuts chopped off.
7. Fudge, I have the H1N1 bull shit that this month has been. I just wanna celebrate health and promote it, not have to make these heavy health choices.
8. F*c* the economy here, the gravy train is over and the potash riches (which never were) are rapidly leaving the education system. Sorry kids, no school for you!
9. Faq-u to looking for work.
10. FML.
Other than that, I think that a Rider win on Sunday could make my November FACKING awesome!
Along with the bad, should come some good I suppose:
- I got a job!
- Met a new friend this month.
- I celebrate each day that I don't think I'm pregnant :)
- I think that with the holidays coming... maybe there will be some fun family moments.
- Made some cookies this month, a few times!
- Football was good this month!
- I got an award from the Lieutenant Govenor
And...
- I tried banana ketchup this month.
- Got to go to Melville and do a clinic.
- Did phlebotomy with my winter coat on!
- Kissed Jeremy, like twice or something.
So, that is about it for this month. Hoping December is better!!
November 24, 2009
I'm not unhappy
Just feeling the weight of the family right now. Like my parenting decisions (which according to most pediatricians, parenting experts, and a handful of others aren't horrible decisions), are impacting everyone else. My career decision, also wrong. Aye. I can't seem to strike a balance between me happy = my family happy. Will my family be happier if I find a job that hurts me physically but brings home enough money so that everyone can have what they want when they want? Should I get more smallish jobs which backfire and hit me with evil amounts of hours? What about working on some of the courses and certification things I've started, which involves lots of research, reading, making media like webpages/handouts/photos etc... but then that means that there is a fight over who gets the computer. Then I have to rid myself of the baby suckling at me in order to type with two hands.
Webs. Weaved.
I can't solve the problem at 4 AM... but I can't fall asleep either.
Webs. Weaved.
I can't solve the problem at 4 AM... but I can't fall asleep either.
November 15, 2009
Feeling Lost
This month seems to have flown by already. Not sure what I've gotten accomplished, just been keeping very busy with work and trying to keep a social life happening, keeping things interesting and light.
But have had some dark moments...maybe it's just the boredom, or the self-induced isolation.
Hoping for a pick-me-up soon.
But have had some dark moments...maybe it's just the boredom, or the self-induced isolation.
Hoping for a pick-me-up soon.
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